Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Can't Get Enough of Football Season?

I know! Don't you wish that the thrill of watching sports could go beyond your television set and onto your very own lawn? Yeah, me too!

Good thing you can now make your lawn look like a sports field. Yes, read that sentence again. You can!

It's as simple as purchasing some equipment and following the instructions. Check out the illustrated guide:

Oh, and do you sometimes just wonder how sports fields look like that? That hypnotizing piece of Magic Eye-esque beauty? Well...

"The "stripes" that you see on a lawn or athletic field are caused by light reflecting off the blades of grass. It has not been cut at a different height nor is it a different breed of grass. The "stripes" are made by bending the blades of grass in different directions."

I love it.

Row, Pumpkin, Row!

Ah, how I love the Fall. It's such a pumpkin time. Pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin pie, pumpkin regattas...what! Did you just say...? WAIT...are you telling me they make PUMPKIN CHEESE? No, I said regatta!

Pumpkin boat races take place in humongous hollowed-out gourds, in waterways all over the world! And they often involve fierce competitors, like the above paddler in his 550-pound seaworthy vessel, "Pimp Kin."

Pumpkin regattas are a draw for a wide variety of elite athletes. The winner of the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta, which took place last weekend in Nova Scotia, was a 71 year old Canadian man, who credits physical strength and specialty flat-bottom pumpkins for his victory.

Pumped up!


Let Me See You Tootsie Roll!

Um, I can't explain it. I recently got addicted to Tootsie Rolls. What?! How can this be? Isn't this known as a sub-par candy? Like, one of the worse things to get when trick-or-treating? How did this happen? And why do I need to eat 2-5 Tootsie Rolls a day? And what is it exactly that they taste like?
Folks, I have no answer for you.
But I do have a Halloween costume idea for you, no matter if you're a baby, child, or adult...


300 Million! My Goodness!

Oh my God! You guys! This very morning our fine nation's population hit 300 million when a brand new baby was born! How fun!

It seems like just a week ago when the population was 200 million, back in 1967. Time flies, huh?

Perspective, guys. This really makes you think. Can you even imagine what 300 million means? Can you even imagine what heaven is?


Zeus Strikes Back!

You'll think this can't be. But it is!

Maybe it makes a fun credit card design, but people--in real life, lightning hurts. It hurts bad! And sometimes, it hurts in places we'd never expect.

Natasha Timarovic, a 27-year-old Croatian woman, was brushing her teeth one night earlier this week when lightning struck her building. She had just put her mouth underneath the tap to rinse and spit when she suddenly felt the lightning course through her body. She instantly felt an incredible amount of pain, so she was taken to a hospital--where she was treated for severe burns on her mouth AND HER ANUS!!

Wait...I thought you just said "anus." I just said ANUS!!!

A medic said that because she was wearing rubber soled shoes, the lightning exited through her anus as opposed to earthing through her feet. Doctors said the accident is "bizarre but not impossible," and she is expected to recover fully.

Luckily for Natasha, old adages prove this can't happen again.

The Littlest Horse

Once there was a horse so small
If it fell, there wouldn’t be far to fall

This horse here stands only 17 inches high
How precious! How dear! Let’s all now sigh.

This little pony, just as small as a dog
Could not scale even a fallen log

But please… please! Put away your mournful flute
There’s no need for pity—it’s so freakin’ cute

No, seriously. How cute is this? As a child, I always had a fascination with miniature horses. I’d heard of them and thought the concept was adorable. Then a couple of years ago, I actually got to see one at the San Diego zoo. And… I… loved… it. And I love this little guy too! And her name is Thumbelina. How darling!

Thumbelina is in no risk of becoming a circus freak—her owners love her as much as I do and would never sell her.

1, 2, 3, all together now!:


Who Stole the Cookies from the Cookie Jar?

Who stole the baking goods from the Madison, Wisconsin bakery? Now I love cookies as much (probably more than) the average Joe. But I have principles! The Madison police force has arrested the 53-year-old man responsible for stealing oil, flour, eggs, and sugar, transporting the goods in Stella's Bakery's delivery truck, and re-selling the goods to other area bakeries.
What a naughty boy!
Now come on! No one's trying to be a party pooper here. Of course you can have a cookie.
When? After you've eaten your dinner. Including your vegetables.
But to break into the bakery after hours, steal ingredients and subsequently sell them? That's just disrespectful. There's a reason why I monitor how much sugar you can have.
Because you get out of control if you have too much. And then stay up all night getting into all kinds of mischief.
And then I have to come to jail and bail you out!
You certainly are an incorrigible boy!
Well when you can prove to me that you can make a living in accordance with state and federal law, then you can decide how much sugar you can handle. Does that sound fair?

Is Humor a Nobel Cause?

You know what I want to do? Win the Nobel Prize. No, really--it sounds like it would be really rewarding. It would make all of my hard work worthwhile.

But for someone like me, winning the Nobel Prize is only a distant fantasy. But I might actually have a chance at winning an Ig Nobel Award, that according to ABC Science Online is "the prize that honors achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think."

Hey! Doesn't that remind us of something? Like Seriouslyjazzed??? Laugh, and then think. Yeah!

This year's winners were recently awarded their science prizes in a raucous ceremony held at Harvard University--the funniest of all the Ivies! Winners included a team that figured out a formula for determining the number of pictures that need to be taken of a group to get one where no one's blinking. The Ig Nobel Peace Prize went to a man who developed a high-pitch alarm that dissolves groups of loitering teenagers (fun for parties!) But my favorite is the Ig Nobel Prize for Medicine, which went to a doctor who developed a novel (or should i say, Nobel?) method for relieving hiccups, something called "digital rectal massage," or DRM.

Check back for upcoming posts and pictures of my personal DRM experiments!


P.S. The picture above is from the Ig Nobel Awards Ceremony - which included performance art from a silver man and presentation of a new broom technology. Gave Cirque du Soleil a run for their money!

Whoa! Squirrels!

Squirrels are so neat! Ever stopped to really think about then, though? The Washington Post did, as featured in the article 10 Cool Things About Squirrels. Curious? I'll bet!
Here they are...
"1. Squirrels belong to the order Rodentia. There are 365 species.
2. They mate twice a year.
3. Their nests are called dreys.
4. Their sweat glands are on their feet.
5. They can run 20 miles an hour. [Ed: fast!!!]
6. Their teeth never stop growing. Gnawing keeps squirrels' teeth from growing into their necks.
7. When frightened, they dart back and forth to confuse predators. This doesn't work with cars, however, so most city squirrels don't live longer than a year.
8. Although considered granivores (animals that eat grains and nuts), they will eat almost anything.
9. Gray squirrels bury their acorns all over the place ("scatter hoarding"), then forget where. Forgotten acorns become trees. This forgetfulness is the main way oak and other hardwood forests grow and spread, scientists say.
10. Gray squirrels are called "living fossils" because they haven't changed much in 37 million years."

Cool, indeed!


Nostalgia Jazz

Whoa guys... I just remembered something that made me seriously jazzed!!! Remember when it was a really funny joke to answer the phone "Domino's!"? As if the person who called would be confused, thinking they'd accidentally called Domino's to order a pizza? But really you were just teasin'? And then you'd say "No, no... just kidding. It's me." Remember that?! Well I do. And it has me downright tickled pink.


Seeeeriously Pepsi Jazzed

Okay. So, seriously? Seriously, you guys. Pepsi is not usually my thing. I'm pretty into Coke, across the board. BUT. Pepsi has captured, apparently to a T, the spirit of seriouslyjazzed in one compact recyclable vessel. PEPSI JAZZ. In flavors DIET STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM AND DIET BLACK CHERRY FRENCH VANILLA. Over-the-top, self-important, sickeningly sweet. Yup, that about sums us up! Here's what had to say about getting jazzed:

"Pepsi is challenging consumers to think differently about indulgence with the introduction of Jazz, a new line of zero-calorie colas available in rich flavors."

Did you hear that? They called us indulgent, and rich! Seriouslyjazzed has gone global. And the best part? NO CALORIES. Which means you can get Jazzed just about as much as you want.


Just in Time for Bikini Season

Hey Ladies (and dudes who love ladies!):
In case you didn't already have enough things to worry about, get jazzed about this new trend: hair dye in outrageous colors. What? That's not new. No--I'm not talking about that hair. I'm talking about that hair.
So no matter what your natural color--dark brown, or brown brown--now you can have yet another hairstyle to maintain. And another body party to feel insecure about. Funsies!
Do blondes really have more fun? I'm dye-ing to find out. Go here.

Warning: Pandas and Beer Do Not Mix



Today I got an email from my main squeeze. It was a link and the sentence "This so could have been you!" I opened it, and it was a news article. The headline? Drunk Fights Panda and Loses. What? I love pandas! I would never fight one! And I would never be a belligerent drunk, out trying to pick fights. I'd be a cuddly, loving drunk. And that's where my guy was right. Upon reading the article, I learned that... well... read it for yourself:
"Zhang Xinyan had drunk four jugs of beer before staggering to Beijing Zoo and stopping off at the pen holding a sleeping 6-year-old male panda, Gu Gu.
Then, overtaken by an urge to hug the cuddly-looking creature, he jumped over a waist-high railing down into the enclosure.
Startled, the panda bit him the right leg."
And a man/panda brawl proceeded.
Xinyan kicked back, Gu Gu bit back, Xinyan bit Gu Gu's back. Zookeepers were alerted and broke up the rowdy pair. Gu Gu is healthy and unharmed.
When pressed for his motivation, Xinyan said "I just wanted to touch it."
Note to self: Do not go to the zoo after drinking. ...Because all I'll want to do is snuggle with all the animals.

World's Biggest Cat-Scam!

What does this look like to you? It looks like the world's largest cat, right? A 69-inch, 87 pound mutant cat raised by a Canadian man, right? Wrong.
People, do not be fooled! This is a scam, designed to earn your admiration and trust. busts this myth once and for all. The truth? This man is from Edmonds, Washington (not Canada!) and the photo...was photoshopped, as a joke, for his daughter. A joke! But many people didn't see it that way. Many people thought that was really the world's largest cat. The man in this picture bared all in a revealing interview for the Ottawa Citizen in 2001:
"My daughter wanted to send an electronic photo of her cat to her friend. I got a little carried away. When we sent it to her friend, we never dreamed anyone would believe the photo was real."
So now you know. But one mystery still remains. Who is the real world's largest cat? Oh, that'd be Himmy--an Australian Tabby that weighed 47 pounds.
The truth will set you free!

This Guy's Got Taste

Say what you want about President G.W. Bush, but one thing he isn't is a generic permanent marker user. The U.S. News and World Report recently highlighted Pres. Bush's outspoken respect for the Sharpie marker for its bold, statement-making mark and its ease of use. Bush often carries a Sharpie with him on his person (for autograph signing) and even has special Sharpies made up to give as gifts on special occasions.

The president of Sanford Brands North America, which produces Sharpie, summarizes it best, saying, "it's pretty cool" to supply the President with his writing utensils. It's rumored that Bush even gave out Camp David Sharpies with his signature on the side as a commemorative gift. Now THAT'S what I call peace-marking!


Joy is...a Big, Healthy Baby

Now that's one big, fat baby! The biggest baby ever born first saw the world through its big fat baby eyes on Tuesday at a hospital in Norwich, Connecticut. Everybody loves a cute chubby baby, so everybody is bound to adore this really big fat gi-normous fatty fat mcfaterson baby boy... all 14 pounds and 13 ounces of him! Enjoy it, baby, because the older you get, the less cute fat is. But, my oh my, you wear it well, young one.


A Teacher Who Cares

Gary Weddle, a middle school science teacher from Ephrata, Washington sports a long, gray beard as a patriotic statement. After the September 11 attacks, Weddle vowed not to shave until Osama bin Ladin was caught or killed. Five years later, bin Ladin remains at large, and the beard remains... large. Weddle gives a brief explanation for his beard at the start of each school year and says he still gets "emotional over the families who lost loved ones. I just don't feel there's any closure on this until they get that guy." As for the family, the daughters don't mind, but their boyfriends think it's cool. Mrs. Weddle, however, loathes it.

Proportion Changes

There are few things I enjoy more in this world than proportion changes. It is the rare occasion, when holding a ridiculously large cup, that I won't say something like, "Hey, hey, hey guys! Guys! If this cup were just a normal sized glass, how small would I be?!?!?!" So of course I adore this blog. And its tag-line? "Little hand-painted people, left in London to fend for themselves"? Divine. Its kind of like The Indian in the Cupboard, except no one gets in trouble, and they're not Indians--just people in suits and business casual clothes.
Careful... Don't fall in!

Name that Cub!

So, naturally I'm always jazzed when a new panda cub is born. Duh. Fewer things are jazzier. As you may know, in accordance with Chinese tradition, zoos wait 100 days to name the newborn totawy cwoooote baywby pandas. And now wants you to be able to possibly play a part in panda-mania. For a limited time, they've set up"Name That Panda". You can submit your choice for the panda cub name, and CNN will pass it along to the Atlanta Zoo. Are your veins pumping, filled with the fire of the feeling of power? How often could you play a part in naming one of the cutest baby animals in existence? Regardless of potential name, I'd like to offer my congratulations to new mom Lun Lun.

Snakes on a Road!

Thought this was cool and gross. This snake just ate a pregnant ewe in Malaysia. Should he be charged with two counts of lambslaughter?!? Hannity and Colmes debate tonight.
The best part I think is that he got caught right afterward because the supersized meal put him in a food coma and he couldn't move out of the road. Which goes to show, boys and girls, that you can't have your snake, (all together now!) and eat a ewe.
The puns are grosser than the picture. Honestly, I'm sorry.

Pneumonic Devices, Schneumonic Schnevices

What the hell are we supposed to do now? I'm never going to be able to remember them without pizza. Damn you, scientists!!!


Country Music: Not Lost!

So, folks. You may have heard the sad news a couple of weeks ago. KZLA, Los Angeles's ONLY country music station went under, suddenly, without warning. This move left Los Angeles in the company of New York and San Francisco--major cities with no country stations. SAD. I had come to rely on KZLA for peppy pick-me-ups and... and... um, okay, I admit it: it was all I listened to.

But then, scanning stations, I found KFRG--The Frog. A country station based out of San Bernandino. Sure, the reception isn't great. Actually, it's pretty bad. But I don't care! It's JUST LIKE KZLA with one exception: it plays Marc Cohn's "Walking in Memphis" a LOT. Which is A-OK by me. Whenever I hear this song, I passionately sing along to the entire thing, fully jazzing myself up. My favorite part is when it goes: "She said "Tell me are you a Christian, child," and I said "Man, I am tonight!""

Man, oh man... I am tonight!


Who Says Short Guys Finish Last?

In a developing news story, a 14-year old from Nepal who "claims" to be the shortest boy in the world is seeking confirmation from the Guinness Book, the World's foremost Authority on Records.
Khagendra Thapa Magar of Katmandu, Nepal is 20 inches tall and weighs 10 pounds. Sounds like a winner, right? Wrong. "Claims" is the operative word here. Until Guinness officially confirms the record, all Khagendra can do is "claim" his value to society.
Guinness doesn't currently have a "shortest boy in the world" category, but sources say the closest competitor is 25 inches tall. Sorry dude: there's no place in the Guinness Book for runners-up.
*Special thanks to Brian, our field correspondent, for the scoop!

Sh... No Words... Just Enjoy.

You're Welcome.

This Is Why I Like the Internet

Check it out: I got some good news today. No, great--great news. I found out that we, SeriouslyJazzedtheblog, have been linked to on someone's press links for a post we did a few months ago!
You may remember the June 20, 2006 post: "Upon First Meeting." It highlighted a unique photography talent that we found especially unique and talented, Jeff Barnett-Winsby. Well sometime after that Jeff must have gotten word all the way over in New York City that we were all the way out here in California blogging about him, because he posted our post in the News section on his website! (On the left, click on "Blog Feature." That's us!!)
So now Jeff, thanks to you, I am posting a post about your post about our post about you. That's just how the internet is! It's like infinity! I get the impression that things like this happen all the time out there in cyberspace, but I have to say: as it's happening to me for the first time, it feels pretty good.
What happens next? Your move, chancellor.
Footnote: The image above is a diagram of the first internets. It was made in 1969 by some fellows at UCLA (cool school)! Find out more courtesy the Museum of Computer History.

What's Better Than a Regular Team-Building Event? (See Below)

A themed team building event! Like the one whose logo is picture above... Team Genius! It's a mind puzzle extravaganza!!! Next time your office wants to have a team building day, why keep it simple with trust falls? Why not contact Professional Teambuilding and look into a team building day that everyone can enjoy... perhaps a day that piques your team's interest! Like...

Team Firefighter! Your team will have an unforgettable day as it trains for firefighter themed challenges!

But don't stop there!

Go back in time with Team Titanic! How would you and your coworkers cope if you were on the sinking ship?

Or Team DaVinci! Become masters of the code with your team mates!
Or keep things hip and fresh--create memorable music videos with your teammates in Team Idol!

Who said corporate has to be boring?! Not these guys!

But I Don't Wanna Go for a W-A-L-K

Sometimes doggie is just too tired to walk! But YOU still have to burn your requisite 1000 calories before breakfast. Well, now with FannyPup, you don't have to leave him panting on your leather seats or tied to a table at the Coffee Bean while you walk. He can come too!


3 Seconds of Diversion

Okay. Uh oh. This is bad. Let me just start off by saying it has been way too long since I last posted. I'm not sure what you're thinking right now. I can't tell how mad you are. I hope you'll forgive me and start coming back regularly. I need you.

I started a new job this week! But that is no excuse. As much as my absence has hurt you, I can tell you it has been equally straining on me. Not posting to SeriouslyJazzed is like not having a cell phone. And knowing that all of your friends are going to drift away from you because let's face it: out of sight is out of mind. And people are ruthless, and they'll do anything to forget that you exist.

So today I still don't have that cool of a post for you, but I do have a fun little thing that, hopefully, if you have fun, will encourage you to come back tomorrow and read more and hear about my new life and think about what is missing from your own lives. Hmm?

In the meantime, you can all use this website to find out your life's Theme Song. Here's how: go to the site, then enter your birthday, and it will tell you what song was number one on the Billboard charts that day in history. And I kid you not, 9 times out of 10 that song will reflect your exact personal attitude towards life. For instance, my song: "Maneater" by Hall and Oates. See, it works!


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Dolphin: Not always your favorite animal

Hey--remember when the answer to "What's your favorite animal?" or "If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?" was really easy? Because the answer was obviously "Dolphin"? RECONSIDER, DEAR READERS. This weekend, I saw a traumatizing special on National Geographic. "Dolphin Attack." Dolphins can and WILL attack humans. They've even killed people!
Some information on dangerous dolphins...
Sometimes dolphins get really pissy and angsty when it's mating time. You can't help it.
Dolphins also can get really messed up in the head when they live in those captivity "swim with dolphins" places. If you're going to swim with the dolphins, DO NOT FEED THEM. "Dolphin Attack" showed some highly unregulated "swim with dolphins" places where people fed dolphins human food, paper, even Styrofoam cups. That dolphin WILL RUTHLESSLY ATTACK YOU.
"Dolphin Attack" featured many reenactments of dolphin attacks. In several circumstances, dolphins had gotten feisty when partying dudes have tried to party with dolphins. Dolphins are PARTY POOPERS. Apparently, dolphins don't like being slapped in the face, having beer cans thrown at them, and having popsicle sticks stuck down their blow holes. Yeah, apparently they get really irritable and might attack someone after rejecting a good time.
So... in short, beware of dolphins. Maybe consider a new favorite animal, like a meerkat. Or a three-toed sloth. Also, if you were making a wedding invite list and felt your numbers were a little too high... cut the dolphin first. They are NOT down to party.

To Do: Danish Clowns

SeriouslyJazzed's weekend guide is here! Book tickets early for the International Festival of Clowns, taking place in Copenhagen this weekend and next. This tenth anniversary show proves to be an explosive crowd pleaser, with returning favorites such as Okidok2 from Belgium (nominated for the "World Artist and Clown Award," 2006) and newcomers like the Jashgawronsky Brothers (fresh off their tour in Armenia!)
Whatever your taste in clowns, whether clowns that balance things, or clowns that wear funny hats, this annual engagement is a treat not to be missed.
Oh, and for anyone who's saying "I can't go, I'm afraid of clowns," you're a fucking liar. Clown fear is something kids make up to feel special and then insist on carrying with them into adulthood. The only clowns you should be afraid of are the ones that are actually dwarves dressed as clown dolls that hide in your room waiting to kill you when the babysitter is there.

Coolest Bear Ever: Part II

Some of you may remember this totally sweet bear. But this bear is pretty sweet too. I don't know much about this bear... Where it came from... What it's deal is... What he/she was doing at the time of this picture... What his/her hobbies are... What he/she would do if he/she won the lottery, etc. But I do know one thing: this bear is something to be jazzed about! Who knew bears had such long tongues? And had them waggle around like a Golden Retriever? Not me! Not me!

Trendspot: Internet Dating

I'm not talking about meeting people on the internet. Pssh! That's yesterday's hat. New thing: meeting people on the internet, then meeting them in person, but still only talking to them via online channels. It's called Blove (Weblove). And happy couples all over the world are offering stories on blogger iMomus' website of dates spent in a coffee shop messaging one another side by side. Others still report extended blogging courtships where the couple communicated their love only through their blog posts.

Great news for people with embarrassing speaking voices or eye contact phobias! Besides, how many of us are better on paper than we are in person? (Yeah, obviously me). Say you pique someone's interest with your quick-witted blog posts and sly emoticons, enough so that they actually want to meet you in person. Inevitably Real You is going to be a huge disappointment after they've already met the best You, Web You. So why let your more attractive twin ruin your chances with what is rightfully yours?!

For the hopeless romantic: more Blove stories.
Even celebrities are doing it!

P.S. Spencer-spence, if you're out there somewhere...this was for you. It's all for you. (You know who you are).


Baby Water Skis

Okay, and now...I've officially seen it all. I'm out. This baby is water skiing. With one hand. Life will never be good again after this. What man could compete?

This 22-month-old BABY has been water skiing daily around a Wisconsin Lake. It's in the Associated Press. And you expect me to be able to go back to work after seeing this? You expect me to hang out Friday night? And listen to your bullshit? This baby is WATER SKIING.

But yeah, sure, tell me about how you stuck it to him in that email. Fuck you. WATER SKIS.
Just shut up. I don't care. I honestly, truly could not care less about you at this point. There is a water skiing baby in Wisconsin who can water ski without falling, ever. Which is good, because

I don't know if you've heard, but BABIES CAN'T SWIM. This one, however, skis on water.
Have fun with your shitty life.


Soon, Mars will be ours!!

I just got a sensational email! It said... The Red Planet is about to be Spectacular!!! Can you wait??? I can't! Apparently Earth and Mars are about to be closer together than they ever have in recorded history. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I have absolutely no ability to comprehend anything in the least bit "science-y", but this does sound pretty rad. The next time something like this may happen would be 2287 at the earliest. Okay, you know what? I am so unable to rephrase anything technical or science-y or anything that I'm just going to start cutting and pasting this email text:

Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again. The encounter will culminate on August 27th whenMars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification... Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m. By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30a.m. That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month. Share this with your children and grandchildren. NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN

And I must say, I'm really glad I copied and pasted because one of my favorite things about these email forwards is the way people get really excited about the use of different fonts, colors and sizes. And I'm glad I could convey the author's excitement about the approach of the red planet by sharing his exuberance via his font choices.

So, in conclusion...
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay SPACE!