A Video Christmas Card (for you!)

Christmas music never gets old! Especially when performed by musical virtuosos like my friends and me. Wishing you all a very, merry Christmas song!

Breakfast is Bourne

Bourne Ultimatum was just released on DVD, and it's heading straight for your tummy. So yummy. You like video parodies, right? If you just answered "no," - are you a time traveler from the past?? You must be. If you just answered "yes," please watch and love an intense and suspenseful Bourne parody below! I am "involved" with it! (Not dating exclusively though).

Check out "The Bourne Nutrition!"

Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle - Feinstein and Mukasey

A new Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle Report is up! I know for many of you it's hard to watch the news or read, so Bethany wanted to help you out by providing her perspectives on a "hard news" story from the last couple of weeks. If the news seems dated, well, that's the problem with the Internet - it's not the fastest medium out there. But we're working out the glitches.

Gritty! Sexy! Bethany!

Whiteface: A Social Experiment

Sorry I haven't been posting in a while. Stop apologizing. Sorry! No, but seriously - I have been overwhelmed lately by work and personal projects, which, if you know me, is nothing unusual. I always act like it is. The creative juices have been flowing, and not always in the right places. I guess you'll be the judge. I did want to share with you a video that I put together because I know you like that sort of thing.

If you are easily offended, you probably shouldn't watch "Whiteface: A Social Experiment," the most daring social commentary since two men kissed on Melrose Place. Getting ready for bed was never this controversial. Prepare to turn stereotypes on their heads.

Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle: Kissing Pandas

It's Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle is a weekly news report from the most precocious reporter on the webwaves. The Grundle report gives you the straight story from an independent news source with absolutely no corporate ties. Gritty? Yes. Sexy? Yes. This week: Bethany explores the phenomenon of kissing pandas!

Beginning of a Beautiful Campaign

I spoke briefly with my friend Tillman the other day and we planned my future. He is just home from a tour in Iraq (not in connection to the military, just for leisure) and is contemplating his next steps in terms of dating and securing political office. We decided a convenient arrangement that would further both of our professional goals of soon becoming President of the United States would be to get married and run as a husband/wife ticket, with the man as President (because of the military service, he's our way in). We'll offer a delicious blend of righteous diplomacy and enlightened justice. We'll get ourselves elected. Then over the course of the next few years, we coordinate an agreed-upon adultery scandal, which I weather with grace and dignity, then we switch and I get to run as President, although at this point I have to make myself appear more conservative to win the confidence of a sexist public. I'll have to make over my public image as a tough cookie, a war hawk, a forgiving domestic partner, Jesus is my co-pilot, etc. And then I'll get elected and I'll get my turn as President, with husband/co-conspirator as VP.*

*Still unclear about whether this is legal.

Anyway, I wanted to let you all know what my plans are for the next 8 or 12 years. Also, although I have arranged myself a politically strategic marriage, I'm not excluding the possibility of a series of heated passionate affairs with various models and state department officials. So, vote for us! Also, if we could secure a few thousand million dollars from friends and family in the next few days that would be great.

Thoughts on Writing, Actual Writing, and Getting Carried Away Abroad

If you're wondering why I haven't been blogging this week, then somehow you haven't heard about a little thing called the Writers' Strike?! In honor of the Writers' Guild I have refrained from doing any writing all week, in solidarity. I'm kidding - my blog is non-union, and I have been lazy. BUT: the Strike is a huge deal and is really affecting the Los Angeles community, many of my friends have been laid off and there are some shows that will not likely come back after the strike ends. Not only that, with studios shutting down production I'm sure a lot of other industries will be affected, food, transport, textiles, etc. I mean, this is a really big deal. And everyone should understand why this is happening. Here is a simple, compelling video, put out by a writer, explaining the strike. It's called "Why We Fight."



I also haven't been finding anything super jazz-worthy this week, I'm not depressed, just not particularly jazzed about anything. And then I heard this story and got suddenly interested. It's kind of weird. But hear me out.

So this American college student, Amanda Knox, was studying abroad in Perugia, Italy...

having the time of her life. She met this boy there two weeks ago (possibly in an internet cafe?), they began a relationship, and now they are the prime suspects in her roommate's murder. The roommate, Meredith Kercher (21), was found dead in their apartment on Friday after police say she was stabbed while fighting off a sexual assault. Police have put forth suggestions that Knox and her male companion may have tried to involve Kercher in a sex act and then killed her when she refused.

Knox is from Seattle where everyone who knows her say they are absolutely stunned. Her friends, the art gallery where she interned, no one can believe this is possible. And herein lies the magic of study abroad! There is alcohol and drugs aplenty, bold men with long hair in linen pants, the air is crisper, love is sweeter, and endless possibilities await on the road to adventure.

Anyway, this story is sick, agreed, but it has led me to a few conclusions.

• People do crazy things in foreign countries. Like buy a leather jacket. So murder is not really that far off.
  
• Love can get you carried away, especially when it's new, exotic, and uncomplicated by details such as a rap sheet.


• You can never really know anyone.


• At any point someone can turn on you and kill you. Especially your roommate you just met.

Have a great weekend!

The Best Dracula Jokes You'll Hear All Day

Happy Halloween everybody! I have some fun treats in store for you today. Above are some lovely jack-o-lanterns my lady friends and I carved together. And no...surprisingly the phallus pumpkin isn't mine. Mine is the cave with the bats coming out of it, or, Plato's Allegory of the Cave, which ultimately was a beautiful mistake.

Halloween fun is fun, but it's also important that this fun be safe. I made up 3 special Halloween jokes that all have an important message about safety. I'm pretty proud of these jokes.

Q: Why does Dracula sleep all day?

A: Because he has AIDS.

__________________________________

Q: What is Dracula's blood type?

A: AIDS positive.

__________________________________

Q: How did Dracula get AIDS?

A: He likes putting it in the bat.

Ahhhh!! How scary!! Really though, everyone, let's talk about this for a second. If Dracula really existed today, he probably would have AIDS - because he's not discretionary at all about who he takes blood from. Just recklessly sucks blood, anytime, any place. What kind of a role model is that? These jokes are a warning about adapting to acknowledge the dangers present in a modern world.

Pass these jokes along, share with friends and family, but remember - I made them up, so you can't say you did.

Talk to Your Kids About Sex, and Don't Leave Out the Good Stuff

People are talking about "Talk to Me," a national PSA urging parents to "speak up" about the virtues of abstaining until marriage. (The PSA is put out by 4parents.gov, a division of the Department of Health and Human Services, and can be viewed HERE). People are talking about the discomfort of watching child actors hired by an Abstinence-Only contingent turn their dewy eyes to the camera and say things like "Tell me what you want from me." Notwithstanding the creepy undertones, this PSA has set us back another ten years from instituting practical sex education that actually prepares and protects kids. Luckily the Voice of Reason has a DV cam and a cache of talented kids at their disposal to make this hilarious parody. It's the brainchild (and lovechild) of some very smart and funny friends of mine. And it's on the front page of FunnyorDie.com right now!

And to toot my own horn, please check out my (very similar) blog entry on the Huffington Post here.

A Goodnight Wish

For everyone tonight, a magic carpet ride on a penis-generated rainbow! Whimsy! Try and tell me this doesn't put the "fun" back in TGIF.

I myself am also wishing that the four horsemen of the apocalypse - raging fires, flea infestations, the military-industrial machine, and VH1 - will require a few weeks of rest after their recent tour of destruction. I am also wishing that Stephen Colbert will tell us soon that his campaign for president is just a stunt to get people talking and excited about the primaries and he's not really going to take his schtick all the way to the dais. Colbert is currently polling at around 13% in three-way matchups, running as an Independent. Not that I don't love Stephen. But I don't think what we need is even less focus on issues.

This is a (Left-Brained) Cry for Help

Have you seen this? This is insane. Have you seen it yet?

It's been circulating this week but if you haven't played with it yet - I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable being responsible for your addiction. I can't tear myself away and I hate the loss of control. There is something very diabolical about this "Right brain vs. left brain" test you can find here. I don't trust it, and at the same time - I don't trust myself. I need answers. I need a hero. What is happening to my body?

Supposedly it works thus: if you see the dancer spinning clock-wise, you are right-brain inclined. If you see her turning counter-clockwise, you're a left-brainer. When I first looked I saw it going counter-clockwise, beyond the shadow of a doubt. It seemed unconscionable that anyone could see it otherwise. But my cubemate saw it going the other way. This drove a wedge between us for many hours yesterday and only this morning did we start relating to each other again.

THEN I asked some other people who had seen the dancer going BOTH ways. Legend had it that she could suddenly switch directions mid-spin when your brain changed its focus.! So I kept staring again, for another few hours, and I SAW IT - she changed direction mid-spin! She would then turn clockwise for a few spins, and then turn back again - and I'd have to sit and wait a few hours more for it to happen again.

I am seriously concerned about what this "Test" really is and why I am so obsessed with it. Is it a form of psychological terrorist warfare? Is the Matrix reaching out to select a few chosen drones to enlighten? Is it all a trick, a conspiracy, the Grassy Knoll, Building 7? I'm falling for it. I'm falling in love. I'm scared, and I'm cold. I feel old. But at least I'm feeling.

Implanting Change - for the Breast of Us!

As an act of civil disobedience, I'm writing this post in my pajamas wearing NO makeup. What a statement! I am a feminista revolutionary!

I read this article about a website charity where women can solicit donations for their desired breast implants. Developed by two intrepid men, it's an online community where men can see pictures of the needy women and send them emails for a $1.25 fee ($1.00 goes to the woman's breast fund, $0.25 to the site's founders for being geniuses). The philanthropists can then track the woman's progress as she grows from underdeveloped A-cup nation into military-industrial Double-D powerhouse!

An interesting thing is that this all got started with a "joke" - two guys hanging out in a Hooters, joking about how to change the world! And now it's grown into a thriving vehicle for happiness and social change. Okay, okay, I know you want to see the site. Here it is. Go check it out, I'll wait. http://www.myfreeimplants.com/ Come back when you're done, I have more to say.

Bottom line, these ladies are smart. Do I want things? Yes. Do I want otherpeople to pay for them? Yes. Specifically, I want things that are going to make me feel good about myself. Like these boots:

So I've come up with a way to have them. I'm turning this blog into a charity where men with foot fetishes can come and look at pictures of my feet such as this one:

I told you - no nudity! But they can look to their heart's content and send me money in exchange for more sexy pictures like the one above. So, send me money - and my feet will thank you! I accept Paypal. And as soon as I raise enough money for my boots, I'll find another pair of shoes that I want. Because I'll never be satisfied with just the boots, will I? The "boots"...! Am I making an"analogy" for a similar situation perhaps?!

Don't get me wrong - this is great. For everyone involved. Butwhat's troubling to me, as an average girl, with small to average boobs, is that women getting boob jobs are setting a new beauty standard for men that will become necessary and expected. Like bears or sharks after they've acquired a taste for human blood, these men will have to continue getting boob job'd women, or else they'll have to be put down.

The New Price is Right: Younger, Fatter, More Boring

Drew Carey's premiere as the new host of The Price is Right aired Monday and if you thought he'd at least be more entertaining than a corpse, well..."no deal!" (what?) Drew did seem nervous, as anyone would be - though I can't imagine the crowd at the Price is Right being too discriminating. But complacent millionaire Drew had no jokes (except for one bit that he did twice in the same show: "Did you drive here?" "No." "Well maybe you can drive home." Announcer: In a new car!!!!) In a transcription all of Drew's statements would end in periods. "Congratulations." "You just won $10,000." "I can't feel my feet." I found myself daydreaming that the announcer would take over and just run the show from the booth. "I can't feel my feet!!!!"

And is Drew so boring that they had to rig every game to make the show exciting? Every single contestant on the premiere show, 6 straight magical genius price guessers, won their game! Two people even won an extra $1000 on the wheel. I don't know how they actually pulled this off - were there elves in the wheel structure stopping it on the $1.00? Multiple takes? The more I think about it the more impressed I am by the whole charade. Impressed, but not manipulated! I mean, who wants to watch or attend a game show where everyone wins? Not this cookie. Sorry - I shouldn't have brought up cookies without having some available. I won't do it again. Forgive me?

Score One for Equality, Not!

Woopsies! A typo was found in an Arkansas state law that essentially legalizes marriage among two people of any age - including babies (No word yet on whether fetuses are considered people and at what stage). The law, in effect since July 31st, was intended to raise the minimum marriage age in Arkansas to 18, but a randomly placed "not" in the language of the law enacted the opposite - allowing anyone of any age to marry with parental consent. Woopsies!

But come on - let's cut Arkansas lawmakers a break. This is not something that spellcheck would not have not caught - right? Did you expect them to proofread the whole entire law? So how can they not be blamed for this. Woops, I mean "not not blamed."

Or was this a serendipitous intervention from a highly enlightened being? Perhaps it's just the beginning of a state coup sponsored by the motivated and well-funded progressive baby marriage lobby. Or maybe it's a choreographed performance art piece making a profound social statement! To show that every person* who wants to marry has the legal ability to enter the most sacred of unions, regardless of age! (*note: homosexuals not included). Congratulations, Arkansas, for stepping up to fill the void in the progressive movement that California lazily and drug-inducedly left open. Not.* (*note: this word negates all preceding commentary).

Top 10 Sexiest Sex Tips Ever - Your Questions, Answered!

This is the latest installment of my new knowledge-giving column, "Your Questions, Answered!" where I expound on the questions from magazine covers, essentially saving you the $3.95 you would have spent or the embarrassment of getting caught reading it in line by the lady you babysit for.

This week's question comes from an intrepid reader, Kim (whose full identity I will spare for her protection), who asked me - "Jessie? Both Glamour and Cosmo this month advertise that within their glossy pages they hold the world's most sought-after secrets of sexual satisfaction. But, can you tell me, what are the top ten sexiest sex techniques ever?" Well, Kim, wonder no more - because I am about to take you on a one-way shuttle ride through my tantric universe. You are about to read everything those magazines will tell you, and everything they can't because of censorship, free of charge. I apologize in advance to my LGBT readers for the heterosexual bend, it's funnier this way.

Top Ten Sexiest Sex Tips EVER!!!

1. The number one tip is not a physical position, so much as an emotional one! It's called Be Confident. Whatever personal space you occupy, make sure you're feeling completely confident about yourself and your body. Because as ANY guy will tell you, there's nothing sexier than a woman who's comfortable with herself!

2. Pay Attention. Pay attention to what's going on. That's all I'm going to say! Wink!

3. Smile. When you smile, you look as beautiful outside as you do inside!

4. Safety. Nothing's fun unless it's completely safe. Make sure you're using both a contraceptive and an anti-sexual disease transmission device. Then cut loose!

5. Consent. Consentual is sensual! Make sure you both want to be doing what you're doing. Consent should be given verbally and above the influence of a sleep-inducing narcotic.

6. Communication. Talk about what you plan to do and then do it - that's the fun part! But talking about it can also be fun. See next month's issue on how to give him the dirtiest dirty talk of his life!

7. Environment. This has a double meaning. First, use your environment around you. Think about utilizing candles or scented drawer liners to set the mood. And second, conserve energy by turning off the lights and any running water. And don't forget to recycle when you're done!

8. Love. Nothing is sexier to a man than feeling loved and secure! Which brings us to:

9. Confidence - again! But for him this time! Make sure you're telling your partner how beautiful he looks in the moonlight and how strong his body is. If he has an ugly body, focus on one particular part that isn't ugly - like his calves!

10. Have fun! Don't forget to have fun. When you're having fun, the sex is going to be amazing!! But who cares if it's not, because you're having fun!!

Kim, and dear readers, there you have them. The secrets of my suc-sex! You now have all the tools you need to go out and have mind-blowing sex. Yum!

The Soup: Best jokes that didn't make the show!

Want to hear the best monologue jokes from the writers of The Soup that didn't make the final show? Head Writer K.P. Anderson keeps a weekly blog of his favorites. You might know someone who wrote some.

Check out the blog here!

The Soup (formerly "Talk Soup") is an uproarious roundup of the week's best and worst television and pop culture moments. If you haven't experienced it yet, you are only living your life up to 50% of its fullest. The Soup premieres every Friday at 10pm on E!

I want to browse your Myspace profile, but it's just so loud! I mean, both literally and figuratively. Your loud song plays immediately but you have so much html loading on your page that I can't even get in there to pause it. So I just end up bothering the coworkers in adjacent cubes by playing your loud song for 12 seconds or more before I give up and click back to my homepage. I mean really, where is your sense of decency?

I'd love the opportunity to look at your profile and see your favorite movies, and possibly body type. But all I know about you is that you posted a comment on my ex-boyfriend's page (where I linked from) and really like Journey (who doesn't?)! I just don't have the patience to wait while your complicated and visually loud profile loads. So I guess we'll never be more than what we are: friends of friends of friends.

It's really too bad - we might have had something special. But I simply can't keep bothering my neighbors with your loud song. And I can't be bothered to turn down my volume. So I guess we're at an impasse. Unless, that is...you decide to reset your Myspace preferences to play your song manually, or you opt for a simpler layout. But why would you do that for someone you don't know that well, or at all for that matter? Maybe...the hope for a more sanctimonious virtual community? A better virtual existence for posterity? The choice is yours.

No, Your Retarded

There is a matter I must address both immediately and without delay. And I musn't let another second pass without attempting to quelch the putrid festering infection of one of the most vile attacks on human dignity.

Someone once said, "words can never hurt me." But there are two phrases that really do hurt me - in that they annoy me to the point of physical pain. These phrases are inane but somehow seeped past the reason sentries and managed to lodge themselves in society's zone of acceptable behavior. I realized today that I hate these phrases more than anything I've hated in recent memory. The first is "Good times." I'll use it in a conversation for you.

Joe: "Larry, here are the files you requested."
Larry: "Good times."

I can't pinpoint exactly what I hate about it. It's good wholesome bro-ing out. But it's just SO vague and incoherent. These times are not good. You're describing a specific situation that is pleasant or appealing to you. Not an entire era or phase of life. And if you're so happy about it, you really couldn't think of a better word than "good?" Maybe I hate that one because it sounds fratty, so I'm just being close-minded but the second phrase issues true cause for concern.

"No worries." Now this is the real offender. Much like a fart, I don't care who started it, we're all responsible for its acceptance. And as far as I'm concerned if you're not a part of the solution, you must be part of the problem.

First of all, it's an adaptation of a real, existing phrase - Don't Worry. "Don't worry about it." But what was wrong with that? I'll tell you what - it was too sincere. And some dude somewhere decided he needed it to become an all-encompassing expression of total mind-numbing apathy. No worries - as in, I have, literally NO WORRIES. Not about you, not about this, not about anything, because I am so utterly chill and rad that worries can't even affect me. I am unaffected by anything that could emote. Is this possible? No. So what is it? A front. An affront. A tough guise for tough guys. And it's two negative statements, and it makes you sound dumber than I know you are.

I hope you're saying to yourself, " I say those things." Well, don't. Anymore. If not for any reason other than them bothering me. This might sound controversial to you, but all revolutions started with controversy. The French one, the American one, and today - the Bro one. Time to luchar la lucha! Vavoom!

What Your American Express Commercial Says About You

You can tell a lot about a person from their American Express commercial. Partly because the printed ads involve writing unique and quirky facts about yourself in your own handwriting (that's what they had me do, anyway). But when you compare Tina Fey's commercial with, say, Beyonce's, I think they offer a lot of insight into who those people really are.

Let me just say I love Tina's commercial. It's genuinely funny and not in a tired way and it's charming and sounds like her. I might be a little biased because I want her life, not in a creepy sense, but out of sincere admiration, but also in the way that I think she and I would be the kind of best friends who would never disappoint each other. All of my best friends have ended up disappointing me at one time in the past and I really think Tina would constantly impress and never disappoint me. But I digress.

If, like with Wes Anderson and M. Night Shyamalan, one's American Express commercial is supposed to reflect a person's most pure self, and not of course their most marketable industry persona, then what the hell is wrong with Beyonce. Is it possible that in her deep, dark insides she really only likes shiny things, and buying shiny things? Does she really shop at designer boutiques therapeutically? Did she really just buy diamond-crusted monkey figurines?

Maybe so. Who am I to judge? But if this is true, then Beyonce is already a best friend who has disappointed me. Reliable? No. Trustworthy? No. These are not things her American Express commercial communicates to me.

My American Express commercial will be awesome, by the way.

Name: Jessie Gaskell (like you didn't already know)

Perfect Day: Paragliding off the ruins of Tikal, amassing a collection of exotic carnivores, lunch, rafting down my chocolate lazy river, composing a hip-hopera for Broadway and starring in it, then falling asleep in an Olympic-sized pool filled with goose down while Barry Manilow covers the White Album.

Recent impulse buy: Tanzania

My life is: An explosive brand of comedy and social justice

My card is: American Express.

Why Do Supermodels Love James Blunt - Your Questions, Answered!

I am going to start a new segment (I love these "segments" I do - they last about one entry each). But I am really going to start a new segment called "Your Questions, Answered!" where I answer the questions from popular magazine covers. For instance, this month's Cosmo posed the question "Do Blondes Really Have More Fun?" That one's next. Today's installment comes from the October Blender:

"Why Do Supermodels Love James Blunt?"

Why do they? I'll tell you why. And I'll outline it for you in complete sentences in traditional 5-paragraph form. Intro/thesis, 3 supporting, and conclusion. But just the outline.

1. Why do Supermodels Love James Blunt? Supermodels love James Blunt for compelling reasons, which, as I see them, are threefold. Firstly, and most importantly, supermodels love James for his money. Secondly, they love him for his hair. Thirdly, they love him because he smells and sounds like them.

2. Money. James Blunt has amassed a considerable war chest from his success as a soft rock singer/songwriter. Selling albums to lonely women and weepy teens has earned him money and models love money, which is why they model.

3. Hair. James Blunt has empirically good hair. While most guys underestimate the impact of hair on their interactions with women, it is one of the single most important things that a man doesn't have control over that women will judge him for. And it clearly trumps other subjective personal traits such as substance, talent, and masculinity.

4. Woman Smell and Voice. As myriad studies have proven, familiarity is attractive. And no soft rocker is more familiar to women than James Blunt. His voice sounds like your mother's lulling you to sleep, and his breath smells of vanilla bean and honey butter. Moreover, he conditions his hair with Herbal Essences Moisture Restore for color-treated hair, which has extracts of jasmine and jojoba root (see point #3).

5. In summation, supermodels love James Blunt for the aforementioned reasons.

This is beautiful.

And meaningful. It's love - interspecies love. Interspecial love!

Show and Tell Art

I wanted to tell you what my brain feels like right now but I learned in improv that you should "show, not tell." So I decided to show you. I call it "Brain Muffin."

This is art, by the way, and it's very expensive. I don't want to tell you how much because it'll embarrass you, but you'll pretend it's in your price range and nod your head and then turn away to guffaw with your friend about what a rip-off it is and how it's not even art. But what you don't realize is you don't even know anything about beauty or truth and what's beautiful is the human contact I just made with you, and you thought the real art was the piece on the wall for sale but it turned out to be our interaction which was free of charge but instead of welcoming it with open arms you guffawed and now your children are the ones who will suffer.

But it did make you think, and one day when it's too late you'll look back on this art and breathe an exhausted "thank you" through your sighs and those breaths will be your last.

...You're welcome.

Cool Historical Reference of the Day: Eisenhower

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed."

That's from Dwight D. Eisenhower, who we know was a decorated American general and our 34th president. A Republican war hero, Eisenhower exercised a very calculated and measured approach to military aggression. As president he spoke out often warning the country about the dangers of an empowered military-industrial complex. How refreshing to hear that a Commander-in-Chief can be both a capable military presence and a voice of reason.

This is an excerpt from Eisenhower's farewell address, delivered before the end of his 2nd term in 1961.

"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."

Is it crazy to expect this level of sanity from our President? I doubt it.

Two Thumbs OUT

Disney announced this week that Roger Ebert’s thumbs, known for issuing the patented “Two Thumbs Up” movie rating, have been removed from his show until further notice. What began as a contract dispute between Ebert and Disney has now jeopardized the future of Two Thumbs Up and potentially changed movie criticism history forever.

I was enraged by the news but luckily snagged an interview with the Thumbs via satellite (my talent agent has been working overtime). Transcript follows.

.................................................................

ME: Good morning guys, thanks for coming on today. So tell me a little about what went down over there at Disney?

THUMBS: F-ing contract dispute. Their opening offer was an abomination. Do they honestly think we'd re-up with a 40/60 residuals split? Hell nah.

ME: So, then you counter–offered?

THUMBS: Yeah. Ebert was fully supportive of our very reasonable $20 million counter but those tightwad Disney execs said there wasn’t a budget for appendages. They can suck a thumb.
ME: How'd you leave it?

THUMBS: Well…there was a minor altercation with the bronze mouse and a security guard died…anyway, we were “emancipated.” Now we’re seeking our own representation.

ME: Yikes. Well, glad to see you guys taking the initiative. Who’s the thumbs with two thumbs? Anyone said that to you yet? You know - like "who's the guy with two thumbs?" Except, with thumbs? Huh?

THUMBS: We’re gesturing to you obscenely with ourselves.

.....................................................................

That was the gist of the interview. Sounds like it's a pretty serious Disney/Thumbs rift, and I think I've settled pretty securely in the Thumb camp. Those dudes work hard, I mean, practically every movie made gets Two Thumbs Up, right? I'm pretty sure Daddy Day Camp got Two Thumbs. Maybe they'll start to use themselves with a little more discretion.

Possible future Thumbs project:

Fusillade of Truth

If you have been a longtime fan of Thomas Kinkade, or even if you're just now tasting him for the first time, you will recognize that this is an artistic breakthrough of such magnanimous proportions, the oil painting world may never be the same.

Though many of us know Kinkade only as the master of idyllic, pastoral scenescapes and Christian themes, prepare to be spellbound by this new series, marked by gritty realism and biting social commentary. Such as his above "Fusillade of Truth."

LIE. The above is my very funny friend Tillman's creation, who I am reluctant to introduce you to lest you find him more funny than you find me. The inspiration was a conversation we had about his mass emails from Iraq, where he is currently stationed (and which makes this creative collaboration even more amazing). I likened reading his emails to sitting down to a feast of fancy, then delighting in the tasty morsels, letting ourselves become completely exposed and vulnerable, until he sticks us with the cold knife of truth. To which he replied, quote, "You will all be running away, skipping down the beach, half way to happyville, when the deadly whisper and hiss of a fusillade of arrows of truth slam into your backs."

Which, I think, is an insightful analogy for how the Iraq war has unfolded. Keep skipping, America! But don't forget to look back over your shoulder.

P.S. Tillman does work a lot, too. He doesn't just sit around and photoshop all day in Hussein's castle.

Doppel the Fun?

I had this conversation a while ago speculating whether or not it would be enjoyable to have sex with your doppelganger. At the time all parties felt it was an uncomfortable topic but with the emergence of this delightful old-timey poster, I think we've all been vindicated.

I still question not the feasibility of such an experiment, but whether or not it would be more rewarding than dangerous. First of all, is sex with a doppelganger the same thing as sex with a clone? Not, right? Let's explore.

A doppelganger, by definition is n. A ghostly double of a living person, especially one that haunts its fleshly counterpart. So a doppelganger could be a surprisingly friendly sexual novelty, like a Real Doll. And it's not a real person, so you don't have to feel bad about raping it - right?

Sex with a clone, on the other hand, I think I would issue an emphatic "no" to. I don't want to know how I am. And if it has my personality, even worse. I don't want to hear my mood-killing jokes and riotous laugh.

The only other detail in question is whether or not your doppelganger is in fact your "evil" counterpart. In a lot of ways this makes it more appealing, since I, like most women, am deeply attracted to a-holes.

So I think it's decided then. Sex with doppelganger, worth trying. But please everyone - use protection. If you and your doppelganger conceive, you'll both get sucked into a dimensional vortex from which you can only watch idly while your progeny brings about the certain destruction of humankind.

It's My Fault for Trying

Today, on a very special "Seriouslyjazzed..."

I want to talk about something serious with you for a second. I tried something new last week. I attempted a post "in character" - a monologue based on a funny conversation I had with a friend. It was sort of an experiment, I guess. Because usually I blog as myself, as Jessie, so you know whose voice I'm using because it's mine. And this was an attempt to speak using a different voice, a joke voice.

*Sidenote: today I did some voiceover work and someone told me that my voice sounds like rusty sandpaper, or divorce. So you can understand why I might desire a voice other than my own.

Some of you thought this was a serious post. Reactions ranged from "were you talking about a real person?" to "who was that real person you were talking about there?" This was not a real person, nor would I ever seriously say that to a real person, in my blog. I was surprised that you would think I would. Most importantly because that's not what this blog is for. I didn't think you thought I was that kind of girl.

I'm not sure at what point I became the poster girl for sincere & earnest blogging* but I guess that's what you've come to expect of me. I don't want to feel constricted by this label (I stand by my motto: "Labels Disable") but I also want to respect your blog reading needs. You are, after all, the consumer, and I the provider.

I hope we can reach a consensus because I don't want to always have to issue a caveat - "this is a joke, this next thing coming up" or "just so we're all on the same page, I'm not being serious right now." But I don't want to be confusing. That's the last thing I want. I'm an open book, you turn the pages. Don't lick your fingers first, that's gross.

*Is it because of the title of the blog?

Happy V-M Day!

Today is V-M Day: Victory over...Mystery! The sailor from the famous "V-J Kiss" photograph, taken in Times Square in 1945, iconic decorator of college dorms, has been confirmed as Glenn McDuffie of Houston, TX. McDuffie, who just turned 80, has been claiming his identity as the Kisser since 1980 when Life Magazine asked the couple from the portrait to come forward. 11 men and one woman submitted themselves for consideration and now, in 2007, the sailor's identity has been confirmed by forensic scientists!

I know what you're thinking - why not just ask the nurse, she should know, she kissed him! Well, McDuffie, who was a teen when he returned home from WWII, just jumped off the subway and grabbed a pretty nurse who was smiling at him. They never even spoke! So she might not remember.

I know what you're thinking now - how did Glenn McDuffie, the best and most famous kisser in the world, thrice divorced, celebrate his 80th birthday? His daughter drove up to Houston to take him out to dinner. "She told me I could go anywhere I wanted," McDuffie told the press. "So, we're going to Red Lobster, and I'm going to have lobster and shrimp." A fine meal for a hero of love and war.

LOL? RONS?

A fellow blogger, more industrious than I, took a cue from "Lolcats: the internet sensation" and put together these "Lolrons" using adorable candid shots of Ron Paul, presidential hopeful. True, part of the impetus was a social experiment to see if a Ron Paul mention would steer internet traffic to their budding blog - which emphatically is NOT the intention of this post (RON PAUL RON PAUL RON PAUL RON PAUL).

You Probably Get This All the Time, but I Really Like Your Friend

People probably ask you this all the time, but what’s the story with your friend? Is he single? It must get annoying having everyone ask you about him all the time. Or maybe it’s cool because then cute girls have a reason to talk to you. Kidding! How mean would that be if I actually said that. But I’m sure you’ve just gotten used to it by now, the constant liking of your friend by girls.

Are people always making friends with you just to get closer to him? I bet that happens all the time with you and girls and you think they like you, but they actually like your friend. Not me though - I think you’re really nice and fun, I love your personality. Does your friend have a similar personality to you, plus good looks?

Do you think maybe he’d want to come to the concert with us on Friday? I know you got us tickets but I was thinking we could make it a group thing and then you could ask him to come. Do you mind driving so he and I can both drink? I think I’ll have a better chance with him if we get drunk - I mean, you’ve seen me when I’m drunk. Remember that one time I almost made out with you?! But in real life I like your friend. I’m sure you’re totally used to hearing that by now.

Area Woman Can't Tell if She Ironically or Sincerely Wants Lasagna for Lunch

Area woman Jessie Gaskell found herself at the heart of a troubling conundrum Wednesday when she was unable to diagnose her desire for lasagna as an ironic throwback or a sincere craving. “I haven’t had lasagna in, like, 10 years – but for some reason it sounds really good right now!” she said aloud to her cubemates around noon. “I kind of almost want to go to Ralph’s and get one of those frozen microwave dinners, is that totally gross of me?”

After eliciting only raised eyebrows from peers, many of whom refused to remove their headphones, Gaskell continued to muse out loud to herself. “I can’t believe I’m thinking of getting lasagna for lunch right now. What is this, ‘The Wonder Years?’ How good of a show was that, by the way?”

Gaskell polled coworkers for over 15 minutes on whether a sincere eating of lasagna would be considered socially acceptable before concluding that it was too much trouble to actually make it happen. “I mean, it’s not like it’s so important to me to have lasagna,” Gaskell announced, finally. “I just thought it sounded kind of funny.”

Iraqis Hunted by Man-Eating Badgers

As if raw sewage and shrapnel weren't enough scary campfire story fodder, there is a new horror on the loose in Iraq. Rumors are flying throughout the port city Basra that giant man-eating badgers stalk the streets at night, attacking unsuspecting human prey. The monsters are reported to be much larger than common badgers, with giant claws and sharp teeth for ripping through flesh. (Watch the video!)

A spokesman for the British army issued a statement that there are honey badgers in Basra but they rarely attack humans, unless provoked. “They are native to the region but rare in Iraq. They're nocturnal carnivores with a fearsome reputation, but they don't stalk humans and carry them back to their lair,” he said.

Still, many Iraqis believe this animal appeared directly after Western occupation of the province, spawning conspiracy theories that U.S. or British forces unleashed the animal to spread fear throughout the city.

Wait. Huge badger-looking animals terrorizing the village, put there by authorities to strike fear in the hearts of citizens? Sounds like a good idea for a movie...but there has to be a twist ending! I think that was the twist ending.

Nikonography

Here are some incredible pictures from Nikon's "It's a small world" photomicrography competition (photos taken through a light microscope). Life is so beautiful. Check out the rest and rate the entries here.

It's the Final Countdown

Final Countdown

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This is my favorite clip in The Soup this week. It's from the show Singing Bee but that's irrelevant. I love so many things: the ultra-fast zoom, the pained look on the singer's face, the booty dancers, the synthesizer. Everything.

If I Blogged This (Book Review)

If I blogged this, not that I did, or would, but hypothetically speaking, if I blogged a book review about the book "If I Did It" by OJ Simpson, would you guys be mad at me?

Well, someone at work got a leaked copy and sent it around as a PDF file and I did skim it. Let's just say - OJ Simpson is a chronic modifier misplacer. I don't have the energy or the moral security to break down his commentary on the murders, but I think these two excerpts will suffice:

"I did a little acting, too, and for a number of years I was a pitchman for Hertz, the rental car people. Some of you might remember me from the television spots: I was always running late, pressed for time, leaping over fences and cars and piles of luggage to catch my flight. If you don't see the irony in that, you will."

Ironic. It was so "ironic" when I killed my wife and her lover. Ironic.

"A few days later, we flew down to Manzanilla, Mexico, for our honeymoon. We stayed in a beautiful place called Las Hadas and made love three times a day. That's why we were there, right? To give Nicole a family of her own."

Gross. It was "gross" when OJ Simpson described his lovemaking habits. Gross.

Anyway, those are basically the most important passages from the book, as far as I could gather. Quote them at your next social gathering! Impress your intellectual reader friends!

Like, Dead Dead?

China executed its former Food and Drug chief today for taking bribes to approve untested medicines that resulted in the deaths of 10 people. Zheng Xiaoyu was convicted last week of taking about $850,000 in bribes, was sentenced to death, and today it was carried out. Done, and dead. China executes more people each year than all other nations combined. Makes me almost change my mind about the coolness of Communism!

Being serious for a second, this makes me think a few thoughts. Although this case highlights the Chinese state's incredible efficiency, it still makes me grateful that although the Patriot Act and Homeland Security do infringe on our human rights, at least our corrupt officials are not being sentenced to death. They are being sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison and then having that sentence commuted by the president whose interest they were serving. I don't think anyone needs to die over that.

* This is a Chinese mobile execution van that delivers deadly injections on the go!

Not all dorks created equal

Turns out, fantasy dorks and theatre dorks are not the same kind of dork. The stage adaptation of Lord of the Rings (part musical, part play, all extravaganza) opened last week in London to mixed reviews. It had great potential, considering it is the most expensive stage production on record at $25 million - and we all know budget correlates directly with quality.

But apparently hardcore LOTR fans weren't feeling remiss in the absence of a Rodgers and Hammerstein Tolkien interpretation. One reviewer said his 14-year-old son left the show "tittering at the ponderous inanities of the script and the triteness of the lyrics." I then tittered imagining a 14-year-old boy tittering. Other people liked the show, though - including reviewers in the London Times and the Guardian.

I probably won't make it to London to see the LOTR stage spectacle. But I'm definitely going to miss out on ballads like "Hobbit-sized dreams" and company numbers like "Mordor ain't no place for dancin'!"*

*Not real titles from LOTR The Musical

Fiat Lux Jazz!

Okay. Occasionally something comes along that gets me so fired up I have to share it with everyone I come in contact with. Some of you may already be hip to these figures, but the gravity of this effort just hit me, so it's likely many of you, too, are still...in the dark.

This is one of the cheapest, smartest, easiest ways to help with energy conservation that I have encountered. CFL bulbs (Compact Fluorescent Light), the swirl bulbs, cost about $3 - but each one used conserves an incredible amount of energy. They also save you (the consumer) money, and reduce greenhouse gas emissions from power plants. Here are some fantastic figures (source):

- If every household replaced just one regular bulb with a CFL bulb, it would save enough energy to power a city of 1.5 million people, or all the homes in Delaware and Rhode Island

-If every household replaced one bulb, it would be the equivalent of taking 1.3 million cars off the road in terms of greenhouse gas reduction

- The typical U.S. house has between 50-100 sockets. Each swirl bulb pays for itself in energy cost savings in just 5 months. And they each last 6-8 years - about 10x longer than regular bulbs.

These numbers reveal the incredible power of individuals to make big changes through small efforts. And since nearly 100 million households* already read this blog, the changes should happen by the end of the day today. But why not go buy a 4-pack for your home and just change 4 bulbs at once? Then tell 10 of your friends?

Look for the swirl bulb with the Energy Star on the box. Pick up a pack this weekend! Make it happen! I'm proud of you!

*Estimate

When Sturgeon Strike!

A jet skiier was knocked unconscious over the weekend when she collided with a jumping sturgeon. Both she and the fish survived the incident but it's got people talking about the rise in fish-related accidents on the Suwannee River in Florida. In 2006 there were a total of 10 people hurt in human-sturgeon collisions resulting from sturgeon jumping.

If these people sound lame, the sturgeon is actually a sizeable threat: the fish, aside from being scary and prehistoric-looking, can be 8 feet long and weigh up to 200 pounds. It's incredible they can even hoist themselves out of the water, really. One woman, after colliding with a sturgeon, had to have 3 fingers reattached by a surgeon. Not to be confused with sturgeon. A man brings his son to the emergency room for an operation. The sturgeon says, "I can't operate on him - he's my son." You know the rest.

Florida Fish and Wildlife has created an acronym motto for water safety on the Suwannee, S.L.O.W.: Sturgeon Leap Out of Water. They're very literal!

Great News

Maria Bamford! posted a new comment about you at 6/12/2007 4:39 PM Inbox

New MySpace Comment

Maria Bamford! has posted a new comment about you on MySpace! Click the link below to read the …

(You know the rest)

What a great day! My comedy mentor has officially taken me under her wing. I'm sure that's what the comment says. "Dear Jessie: Yes, I will take you under my wing and together we will soar over supple angel-bottoms and Carebear tears." I don't even need to look at the comment to know that's what it says. Her Special Deluxe videos rule.

To Catch a Predator, Youtube Edition

Youtube is scary sometimes. A lot of times. If you haven't yet seen the video of this life-like Japanese child robot, you should, and if you have, go back and read some of the comments posted by the night stalkers and shut-ins that haunt the webwaves. In particular I enjoyed the insights into the mind of one "flyp1001," who offers a clear thesis on preferred uses for robot technology:

.............................................................................

flyp1001 (2 days ago)

Can it be programmed to give a bj?
(Reply) (Spam)

rubbbe (2 days ago)
yes
(Reply) (Spam)

flyp1001 (2 days ago)

I want to hold it and kiss it like it's never been kissed before.
(Reply) (Spam)

Caael (2 days ago)

Terrifying!
(Reply) (Spam)

flyp1001 (2 days ago)

I want to have sex with that thing!
(Reply) (Spam)

................................................................................

ChrisHansenPredatorNBC:
Hey Flyp1001...what are you doing here?

Happy Birthday Michael Cera

This guy kills me. Literally, he has murdered me over 100 times. With delight!

Today's his birthday, I think he turns 11, if you haven't yet please check out the web series he developed with his friend Clark:

And leave a birthday comment! Such as "Happy birthday Michael, ur hot...lol!! ur funnier then Andersen Cooper". But not that one, obviously, it's been taken.

Chicks Obama Sex Gay Election

Prominent intrepid woman political commentator deems prominent intrepid woman politician the winner of last night's Democratic debate in New Hampshire.

As a prominent intrepid woman political commentator blog linker, I agree.

Whatever. I like her. I've liked her since I saw her speak in D.C. and she used logic to form arguments that investing in education and healthcare will make our country stronger and richer and safer. I liked that she was articulate and steadfast and a good communicator.

I also like that one of the questions in the debate last night was how the candidates would "use" former president Bill Clinton in their presidencies. Barack Obama had my favorite response:

Obama: … And I think that President Clinton’s vision of our interdependence globally is something — Now, obviously Senator Clinton may have something to say about how I use Bill Clinton. (Laughter.) So in fairness, she should be able to respond.

I don't know what this means. I think maybe it means sex. I'm not sure. It's funny.

I kind of love these candidates and they make me excited to participate in the democratic process.

It's not happening here, but it is happening now

This is a really striking Amnesty International campaign: "It's not happening here, but it is happening now." The billboards are painted to appear transparent and reference human rights violations in Sudan, Iraq, China, Liberia and other countries.