Wednesday, May 30, 2007

It's not happening here, but it is happening now

This is a really striking Amnesty International campaign: "It's not happening here, but it is happening now." The billboards are painted to appear transparent and reference human rights violations in Sudan, Iraq, China, Liberia and other countries.

Doomsday Countdown

Every once in a while when things are going well I like to reflect on the impending, inevitable destruction of humanity.

There are lots of reasons to suspect the end is near but the most recent is a virulent strain of tuberculosis has landed a Georgia man under quarantine by the U.S. Center for Disease Control. This is a pretty big deal considering the CDC hasn't placed a patient in isolation in over 40 years! So far this strain of TB has been resistant to all antibiotics.

The man traveled on two trans-atlantic flights before entering a medical isolation facility in NYC and then returning to Atlanta. So, there may be others affected out there! It's not the first time someone was diagnosed with this super-strain of TB (known as XDR TB - TB Xtreme!) but for some reason this case is requiring quarantine.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Feminist Sharks Render Men Even More Superfluous Than Once Thought

This is incredible. You have to read this! An Ireland-U.S. study published today finds that female hammerhead sharks can fertilize their own eggs and give birth without the aid of sperm, or males. He-ey, girlfriends!

The study surrounds a baby shark who was born in a tank of 3 females, none of whom had had contact with a male shark in over 3 years (and had potentially sworn off men forever). This was the first shark case of what's called "parthenogenesis," which translates to "virgin birth" (although they've ruled out God as a potential father).

Scientists think this female shark began reproducing asexually as an evolutionary adaptation, but I think it's more likely she just got really into Sex and the City recently (pop culture trends hit late in the shark community). One too many bad breakups and a fourth reading of "He's Just Not That Into You" be enough to make a girl go asexual. Ladies?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Area Woman Can't Stop Blogging About Herself In the Third Person

Area blogger Jessie Gaskell told sources Tuesday that she was "obsessed" with blogging about herself in an ironic The Onion-style 3rd person format.

"I think this is only really funny to her," relayed concerned friend Joanna Schochet. "I kind of wish she'd stop. They say there's unlimited webspace, but in case there's not...I'd probably rather see a slideshow essay about cats."

Monday, May 21, 2007

I'll Give You a Secret (Open Letter)

Hey Secret,

I've got a good one for you. I shouldn't even be having to write this, I should be able to just focus hard enough on finding a way for your Secret to not be a total rip-off. Right?

If I'm correct in summarizing your thesis, which I believe to be "use mind control to get whatever you want," then I can't help but wonder...why is your product even for sale? Why is it available using worldly currency? Shouldn't I be able to just think hard enough and know The Secret instantaneously? Hm?

Okay, I know what you're going to say (because I'm using mind control right now): I don't know that's The Secret until I've already paid $30 for your shitty book/dvd (hypothetically). BUT: what if I wanted to buy one for a friend? After I already know the "Secret?" What do you say to that? Think about that one for a while. No, seriously - think about it hard and send me a satisfactory answer with your mind.


Thursday, May 17, 2007

Area Woman Posts Ironic Blog Entry Parodying Satire Mag "The Onion"

Self-proclaimed area "blog celebrity" Jessie Gaskell was "disproportionately pleased with herself" after posting an Onion parody on her blog, sources said Wednesday. "Last night over drinks she wouldn't stop talking about how she did a parody of a satire, ironically - or something like that," related friend Nathan Blum. "I don't really get the difference between 'satire' and 'parody.' She claims to have used both but I'm not entirely sure that's possible."

Despite multiple attempts to publicize the piece, Gaskell's enthusiasm for her own alleged comedy was not shared by friends and coworkers. "I keep getting Myspace bulletins inviting me to check out her latest blog entry," complained a cube mate, who insisted he remain anonymous. "Like...we get it. She posted ironically about The Onion, in the style of The Onion. It's clever, and Jessie's cool, but I doubt that's the first time anyone's done something like that."

Others were troubled by the detour from Gaskell's typically sincere blog posts. "I didn't know she was being ironic at first - I thought she might actually be mad at The Onion. She's usually serious about being jazzed about things, but now I feel like I won't be able to tell if she's being serious or not. Maybe she was actually mad at The Onion." Only Gaskell's mother maintained that she had enjoyed the post, insisting, "I like everything Jessie writes."

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Just Some Fun Cards

Seriously? Spoiler Alerts

Seriously? DON'T YELL AT ME for talking about the show you haven't watched yet. It can't be that important. And if it is that important to you, don't you think you would have watched it by now? The Sopranos aired on Sunday.

Do you think maybe you just like having things to get mad about?

The French Presidency is a Sweet Gig!

From The Telegraph:

After a brief private meeting between the once bitter party rivals - in which the new president received the nuclear codes that permit him to launch a strike within one minute - they shook hands warmly.

President-elect Nicolas Sarcozy
Itinerary for Wednesday:

8:00 am - Disembark Maltese yacht
8:30 am - Croissant
9:00 am - Swearing-in ceremony in front of family and close dignitaries
10:30 am - Move stuff into 365-room palace (1 room for each day of the year)
11:00 am - Choose new upholstery scheme - "Versailles"
11:15 am - Personalize china patterns
11:30 am - Brief meeting with predecessor
11:35 am - Cheese snack
11:45 am - Receive nuclear launch codes
12:00 pm - Lunch
1:00 pm - ??? Recess for Cannes festival. Fun in the Sun!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Area Woman Unimpressed by The Onion's Efforts at Reaching Broader Female Demographic

Area blogger and woman Jessie Gaskell noted Thursday that although she first found the idea of The Onion's "Special Women's Issue" intriguing, ultimately it was concluded to be a "thinly veiled attempt to woo advertising dollars." Gaskell first became wary about efforts to reach her demographic, Women 18-34 (according to Gaskell, the most financially lucrative demographic because of their reckless consumerism), when she began working in television. "Networks often manipulate their content to appeal to the cash cow that is young female consumers, why would 'The Onion' be any different? Considering how much online shopping women do, especially at work."

Gaskell also expressed disappointment at the fact that the Special Women's Issue included mostly recycled articles from past issues, some dating all the way back to 2000. "Their assuredly male staff couldn't even write enough articles that would appeal to women, they had to use pieces from 7 years ago?" Her resentment may have also been fueled partly by the fact that she claims to have had the idea to publish an all-female satirical web magazine, "like, over a week ago."

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Recent Conclusions

Recent Conclusions:

Griffith Park is flammable. Please do not put fire in the Park.

Jessie's Mom On...

Jessie's Mom On Dating:

"I always click on the dating stories on my homepage so I'll have good advice to give you."

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Dear Sheryl Crow: What makes YOU happy?

Dear Sheryl,

I heard about your recent run-in with Karl Rove at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Not long after, you got some press for what some considered a controversial blog proposal encouraging people to abide by a one-toilet-paper-square per bathroom visit rule.

I admire your conviction and increasing involvement in ecological issues. However, I have to confess that I’m feeling somewhat confused and worried by what appears to be a dramatic change in your outlook on life.

Remember when "all [you] want[ed] to do [was] have some fun?” I do. That song was an anthem for people wanting to have a lot of fun. It doesn’t sound like you’re as into fun recently. These days it sort of sounds like you’re advocating sustainable life choices instead of fun. Was that a personal decision?

In addition to having fun, you also sang that “if it makes you [me] happy, it can’t be that bad.” It sounds like you’ve changed your mind about that too. It sounds like now what you’re saying is “if it makes you happy, but it wastes natural resources, it is that bad.”

It really seems like you’ve abandoned your anything goes, freebird philosophy in favor of pragmatism and conservation. You may be well aware of these inconsistencies. Maybe this is a dichotomy you’ve always struggled with. Or maybe years of living and deep first cuts have weathered you. Either way, if you need to talk…I’m here.

A Concerned Listener