Thursday, March 22, 2007

Hillary Clinton for President of the Blogosphere!

Hillary Clinton dropped two bombs this weekend. 1) She's running for president. 2) She's allowing people to guest blog post on her website,
Here's where you go to do it.
I'm directing you there so you can get it out of your system. Because I want you to know that never, under any circumstances, will I allow you to guest post on my blog.
P.S. Sidenote, I'm officially claiming this the homepage of the Clinton/Winfrey '08 campaign. Seriously you guys. Oprah.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Women Cannibals?

So in case you haven't heard, the numbers are in, and:

51% of American women today are living without a spouse, up from 35% in 1950. (New York Times).

I feel so much better!

Except, I'm wondering...what happened to the spouses? Did they get eaten?


Philosophy of Friendship

I have a riddle for you. What kind of ship never sinks?
A friendship!

It's true, and Aristotle agrees. He said: "Friendship... is a kind of virtue, or implies virtue, and it is also most necessary for living." Aristotle also realized that there are 3 kinds of friendship:

1) Friendship based on utility. Utility is an impermanent things: it changes according to circumstances. So with the disappearance of the ground for friendship, the friendship also breaks up, because that was what kept it alive.

2) Friendship based on pleasure. Friendship between the young is thought to be grounded on pleasure, because the lives of the young are regulated by their feelings, and their chief interest is in their own pleasure and the opportunity of the moment.

3) Perfect friendship is based on goodness. Only the friendship of those who are good, and similar in their goodness, is perfect.

What kind of friendship do we have?


Um, hey guys...

Um, hey, guys? I don't want to be a bitch or anything... I feel stupid even saying this... but I guess if I'm feeling sort of upset, it means I should bring it up.

Today is my half birthday, and no one has said ANYTHING to me about it. I'm just feeling kind of down about it, that's all.


New Years' Jazzolutions: Grad School?

Hey Peeps--
So, we've been gone for a little while...shepherding lost children and fighting the fight for justice all over the world. But don't even think we didn't get jazzed about stuff along the way! In fact, I thought about you a lot, especially on New Years' Eve when I made lots of Jazzolutions for 2007. I also thought very seriously about the possibility of Grad School. All the thinking about Grad School started stressing me out. Stressed, I wished there was some way I could relieve this stress through addiction.

A lot of people make the resolution to stop smoking. I have resolved to start. In college I always wished I smoked, especially during Finals Week, when I would see those cool grad students standing outside chain smoking, stressed (so stressed!) about how to balance not being in office hours with finding something to be interested in. And since I have recently fallen enchanted under the spell of the idea of Grad School, because the idea of Grad School is almost more enchanting than the practice, I plan on adopting every element of the grad student lifestyle. As I see it the glamor of the lifestyle lies in an intersection of the following three foci:

1) Sleep more

2) Smoke more

3) Feel good about where I'm at

So after giving it a lot of thought over the holidays, I've decided that Grad School is not in my cards for 2007. But I think I can reap virtually the same benefits that Grad School offers by maintaining focus on the Jazzolutions above.

I feel a sense of purpose coming on already!


P.S.: Thanks to my friend Emily for making me a shirt similar to the one above, which, incidentally I wore to perform standup at the Comedy Store this weekend. And I felt good about where I was at!

I was not aware of that

Hey, guess what: learning is good for you! A recent study suggests that learning burns nearly twice as many calories as sleeping.

Guess what: you just learned something! Now go eat a taco.

Seriouslyjazzed about learning and studies about learning!

Frankincense Monster

Turns out,

You CAN burn frankincense like regular incense. You can burn myrrh, too! They are both forms of dried tree sap, common to Somalia (the country). In the time of the wise men, and today, these resins were mixed with seeds, spices, roots and burned in a "censer" (can be purchased at Bath and Body Works).
Now all you need is a blacklight poster of the nativity!
Happy Holidays.

Let's Check In...

With Jared Fogle, that guy from Subway that lost all the weight! What's he up to these days? Still looking good! Here he is at an eBay antiques auction. Keeping the weight off, and engaging in extracurriculars.

He's also got a book: it's called Jared, the Subway Guy, Winning Through Losing: 13 Lessons for Turning Your Life Around. It's not a diet book, but it is self-motivating! Thanks Jared!


Two Things to Be Jazzed About (earnest posting)

Okay, folks... no punchlines, nothing clever here... I'm just really feeling seriously jazzed about two things right now:

1. The View
Love it! How excited must Barbara Walters be that her show has returned to its intended roots of being a really sassy show where women dish it out?! Rosie, how fun are you?! How bad is this picture of you though?! I mean, seriously! Elizabeth, I love how uptight and conservative you are! Joy, I love how threatened you must feel by having a famous comedian take over your "comedian" place in the original cast. Barbara, I'm so glad you're spending more time on the show! Watch it, you guys! I'm not being sarcastic. It's a really fun show to watch.

2. John Irving
This guy just impresses me. It's such a joy to read his books. Every time I read a chapter, I'm re-fired up about reading and literature and fiction and all that stuff. He crafts a story beautifully. I'm not one to like long books (yes, I said it...), but I love reading multi-hundred page Irving books because I get completely immersed in his worlds. Read him... I'm serious(ly jazzed)!

Santa Comes in All Shapes and Sizes

These are modern times. The world has undergone a revolution of traditional stereotypes, and from the looks of it, not even beloved Santa Claus is safe. Santas of all shapes, colors, sizes, and sexualities are popping up all over the place, such as this alternative Santa Claus above. How am I supposed to feel about this?
It's a little hard to take in all at once. I grew up with a very rigid body image of Santa Claus in my consciousness, and these counter-culture Santas smell a little like false prophets to me. But as Bob Dylan urged, I better start swimming or I'll sink like a stone. For the times, they are a-changin'...

First Ladies: They're Just Like Us!

Uh oh. Imagine every woman's worst nightmare. You show up at the Kennedy Center Honors, ready for a night of upscale entertainment such as the stylings of Jessica Simpson. You're wearing your favorite $8500 Oscar de la Renta dress. And not one, not two, but THREE other women are wearing the exact same dress!
The real question is, as CBS news adeptly phrased it: "How could this have happened????" All this supposed Homeland Security and the first lady can't even be assured that there aren't going to be 3 other society ladies wearing her dress?
Well, it happened. So how did Laura react? She went upstairs and changed into a different dress. Problem solved. We're lucky someone in the family has that kind of executive prowess!
See the CBS video of the 3 "other" women. And if you think the crisis was averted that night, think again! Read the journalist's closing remarks:
"This is an incident the White House isn't likely to forget anytime soon!"

Here's Your Joke

Here it is.

Q: What kind of bear runs on the sun?

A: A solar bear.

Get it? No...but do you really get it? The photovoltaic implications and everything? Well good for you. Thanks to seriouslyjazzed reader Brian Singleton for the tip. Are you listening Laffy
Taffy? Good. Put that on your wrapper.

Talk about "Precocious!"

Who is that little angel? Oh, that's just 12-year-old Chris Hardacre, Britain's youngest bartender.
"Where are his parents?!" you may ask. Supporting him the whole way! His father owns the pub. When Chris approached his dad with the idea, his dad supported him. Chris studied and took exams to allow him to bartend.
Chris loves being around the pub. "It's a good atmosphere and the people are nice," he says.
I think this could be a good idea for a really cute family movie plot. Where's that kid from Jerry Maguire? Is he about the right age now?

On Christmas Island

How'd you like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island? Well maybe you want to learn a little bit more about it before you book your flight.

Christmas Island, a real island in the South Pacific somewhere between Hawaii and Fiji, became a bomb test base for British nuclear weapons in the 1950s. Britain's first successful nuclear explosion took place on Christmas Island in May, 1957.

In the 1960s, amidst frantic Cold War efforts at nuclear proliferation, the U.S. used Christmas Island as a base for their nuclear testing. American security forces referred to the nuclear project on the island using the code name "DOMINIC."
Sounds like a sweet getaway, just make sure to fish the nuclear residue out of your daquiri.

Will Smith Can!

I just saw the trailer for the new Will Smith movie: Pursuit of Happiness, except it's spelled "Happyness."

Yeah, well: my favorite part of the trailer is when he's in the backseat of a limo with some old white guy who he's trying to get to give him a job, and the white guy shows him a rubix cube and says "It can't be done" and Will Smith says "let me see it" and the white guy says "It can't be done" and then Will Smith DOES IT.

Why was this not made a bigger deal of? You guys. Will Smith SOLVED THE RUBIX CUBE. He freaking SOLVED IT.


Aw, bummer! Kuppies aren't real.

I'm pretty bummed, guys. Remember that cat that might have had kuppies/pittens? I really wanted one... that is soooo cute! Not so, say blood tests. I guess all that happened was that little puppies nursed from the mama cat.
Wait... that's totally cute.
I feel better already.


Remember how Martha Stewart was in jail? Martha was in REAL JAIL for FIVE MONTHS. Does that seem crazy to anybody else? That she was in jail and now she's out and it's like nothing happened, except that she's more popular and successful than ever? And she just does her show and talks to pretty good celebrities, and they make pumpkin foie gras?

But Martha--you were in jail. That must have been really scary! Don't you have any post-traumatic stress? Don't you want to talk about this?

I'm here for you.


Wish List Time

It's done. I've found the star to top off my Christmas list. Anthropologie, thank you.
This is the 'tunes hoodie. 100% cashmere, 100% necessary! It's dry clean only, but hey: when it's cold outside, and your iPod wants to feel snuggly, there's no such thing as high maintenance.

The description reads:

"Coddle your favorite tunes with this cashmere sweater, trimmed in twill and topped with a kangaroo pocket."

Oh it will be a very Merry Christmas, indeed.

Do I want a Cat...Or a Dog? Or a Cat?

Wait WHAAAAAAAAAA??????? A Brazilian babe (check out that cleavage behind the cat) claims three of her cat's "kittens" look eerily like puppies after the cat mated with the neighbor's dog. WHAAAAAAAAAA??????? They really do look like puppies! How much do I want a kuppy? Or a Pitten? Or a grown up Cog? Or an adult Dat? So much. So very much.
Note: I am saying right now that I'm feeling hoax-wary of this story. But... it has to be real. I saw it on the Internet!

Rock N Roll is here to stay

Finally!! A t-shirt that makes air guitar REAL! And it's adaptable to both left and right-handed riffers! Yeah!

Who are the geniuses behind this dream of an invention? Australian scientists! Woo! Yeah! Rock and roll! Hardcore! Woo!

In the works: an air tambourine shirt and an air percussion instrument. I'm not kidding! I'm just rocking! Yeah!

Irony? Only when you're pumping iron!

So this last week a 16-year-old boy (man!) broke the world record for most pull-ups: he did 2,446 reps in 12 hours. He bested the previous record by over 200 pull ups. Good job, dude!
His name? don't want to know. You do? No, you're not one to fuss with silly details. You really want to know, do you? Ok, all right. His name is Joe Armstrong.

Rumsfeld's Real Reasons

I wish Rumsfeld's real reasons for resigning were...
- To spend more time with family
- To travel more
- To work more on crafts ("I have a double wedding ring quilt I started in--I kid you not--1988! I'm ready to finish it!")

**Breaking News!!**

Reports are coming in and it looks like...yes! Seriouslyjazzed has confirmation that President Bush stayed up way past his bedtime last night to watch the election coverage.
Way past his bedtime!!

A Mighty Fall

You may know a lot about Saddam Hussein. Or, you may not. You should know that today he was sentenced to death by the Iraqi High Tribunal for crimes against humanity. A number of appeals are likely to follow, but if the death sentence is carried out the execution will be a hanging. Weird that it "happened" to coincide with the U.S. midterm elections? I'm no conspiracy theorist (lie!) but it just seems a little too convenient if you ask me!
What else is convenient? That you have this blog to learn from. For instance, here's another fun piece of learning: in addition to being a ruthless dictator, Saddam is afraid of germs. Germs! Those tiny little things! Who would have thought.

I miss them!

Does anyone else think it's about time for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan to get back together?? They made such a sweet couple. Such chemistry!
I'd love to see them do a modern-day remake of You've Got Mail.

Europeans Are Classy

Well, we always knew it. Europeans are smart and classy and have really innate senses of style. But did we ever imagine they'd be so classy as to translate and sing favorite Elvis hits in Latin? I feel so gauche! I listen to songs in regular ol' English!
And the news? I listen to that in English too. I'm a clod! Not the Finnish! They listen to the news in Latin! I swear! I read it online! They are so intelligent!
Finnish academic Dr. Jukka Ammondt has been singing Elvis songs in Latin for sometime now in a hotel lounge. Dr. Ammondt says, "The legend of Elvis Presley lives for ever, and it's of course very important to sing Elvis Presley's songs in the Latin language, because Latin is the eternal language."
And for fun... some Elvis song titles in English and Latin:
Surrender - Nunc aeternitatis
It's Now Or Never - Nunc hic aut numquam
Can't Help Falling In Love - Non adamare non possum
Wooden Heart - Cor ligneum
Love Me Tender - Tenere me ama

Ruffully Wedded

Big News alert: Doggies can now get married! Well, in Belgium at least, where the Woefstock Dog Festival took place this weekend. The Europeans have always been more progressive than us socially.
Look, I'm no Issues Voter--but if I were, I can tell you right now that doggy marriage would be my dealbreaker. I mean, how sweet is that couple. They look so happy together. At least--he does. She's already looking for a way out. Or a snausage.
P.S. I'm sorry for the title. I can't not use puns in situations like this. If it makes you feel better, I'm half kidding. (But only half).