Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Two Thumbs OUT

Disney announced this week that Roger Ebert’s thumbs, known for issuing the patented “Two Thumbs Up” movie rating, have been removed from his show until further notice. What began as a contract dispute between Ebert and Disney has now jeopardized the future of Two Thumbs Up and potentially changed movie criticism history forever.

I was enraged by the news but luckily snagged an interview with the Thumbs via satellite (my talent agent has been working overtime). Transcript follows.

ME: Good morning guys, thanks for coming on today. So tell me a little about what went down over there at Disney?

THUMBS: F-ing contract dispute. Their opening offer was an abomination. Do they honestly think we'd re-up with a 40/60 residuals split? Hell nah.

ME: So, then you counter–offered?

THUMBS: Yeah. Ebert was fully supportive of our very reasonable $20 million counter but those tightwad Disney execs said there wasn’t a budget for appendages. They can suck a thumb.
ME: How'd you leave it?

THUMBS: Well…there was a minor altercation with the bronze mouse and a security guard died…anyway, we were “emancipated.” Now we’re seeking our own representation.

ME: Yikes. Well, glad to see you guys taking the initiative. Who’s the thumbs with two thumbs? Anyone said that to you yet? You know - like "who's the guy with two thumbs?" Except, with thumbs? Huh?

THUMBS: We’re gesturing to you obscenely with ourselves.


That was the gist of the interview. Sounds like it's a pretty serious Disney/Thumbs rift, and I think I've settled pretty securely in the Thumb camp. Those dudes work hard, I mean, practically every movie made gets Two Thumbs Up, right? I'm pretty sure Daddy Day Camp got Two Thumbs. Maybe they'll start to use themselves with a little more discretion.

Possible future Thumbs project:

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Fusillade of Truth

If you have been a longtime fan of Thomas Kinkade, or even if you're just now tasting him for the first time, you will recognize that this is an artistic breakthrough of such magnanimous proportions, the oil painting world may never be the same.

Though many of us know Kinkade only as the master of idyllic, pastoral scenescapes and Christian themes, prepare to be spellbound by this new series, marked by gritty realism and biting social commentary. Such as his above "Fusillade of Truth."

LIE. The above is my very funny friend Tillman's creation, who I am reluctant to introduce you to lest you find him more funny than you find me. The inspiration was a conversation we had about his mass emails from Iraq, where he is currently stationed (and which makes this creative collaboration even more amazing). I likened reading his emails to sitting down to a feast of fancy, then delighting in the tasty morsels, letting ourselves become completely exposed and vulnerable, until he sticks us with the cold knife of truth. To which he replied, quote, "You will all be running away, skipping down the beach, half way to happyville, when the deadly whisper and hiss of a fusillade of arrows of truth slam into your backs."

Which, I think, is an insightful analogy for how the Iraq war has unfolded. Keep skipping, America! But don't forget to look back over your shoulder.

P.S. Tillman does work a lot, too. He doesn't just sit around and photoshop all day in Hussein's castle.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Doppel the Fun?

I had this conversation a while ago speculating whether or not it would be enjoyable to have sex with your doppelganger. At the time all parties felt it was an uncomfortable topic but with the emergence of this delightful old-timey poster, I think we've all been vindicated.

I still question not the feasibility of such an experiment, but whether or not it would be more rewarding than dangerous. First of all, is sex with a doppelganger the same thing as sex with a clone? Not, right? Let's explore.

A doppelganger, by definition is n. A ghostly double of a living person, especially one that haunts its fleshly counterpart. So a doppelganger could be a surprisingly friendly sexual novelty, like a Real Doll. And it's not a real person, so you don't have to feel bad about raping it - right?

Sex with a clone, on the other hand, I think I would issue an emphatic "no" to. I don't want to know how I am. And if it has my personality, even worse. I don't want to hear my mood-killing jokes and riotous laugh.

The only other detail in question is whether or not your doppelganger is in fact your "evil" counterpart. In a lot of ways this makes it more appealing, since I, like most women, am deeply attracted to a-holes.

So I think it's decided then. Sex with doppelganger, worth trying. But please everyone - use protection. If you and your doppelganger conceive, you'll both get sucked into a dimensional vortex from which you can only watch idly while your progeny brings about the certain destruction of humankind.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

It's My Fault for Trying

Today, on a very special "Seriouslyjazzed..."

I want to talk about something serious with you for a second. I tried something new last week. I attempted a post "in character" - a monologue based on a funny conversation I had with a friend. It was sort of an experiment, I guess. Because usually I blog as myself, as Jessie, so you know whose voice I'm using because it's mine. And this was an attempt to speak using a different voice, a joke voice.

*Sidenote: today I did some voiceover work and someone told me that my voice sounds like rusty sandpaper, or divorce. So you can understand why I might desire a voice other than my own.

Some of you thought this was a serious post. Reactions ranged from "were you talking about a real person?" to "who was that real person you were talking about there?" This was not a real person, nor would I ever seriously say that to a real person, in my blog. I was surprised that you would think I would. Most importantly because that's not what this blog is for. I didn't think you thought I was that kind of girl.

I'm not sure at what point I became the poster girl for sincere & earnest blogging* but I guess that's what you've come to expect of me. I don't want to feel constricted by this label (I stand by my motto: "Labels Disable") but I also want to respect your blog reading needs. You are, after all, the consumer, and I the provider.

I hope we can reach a consensus because I don't want to always have to issue a caveat - "this is a joke, this next thing coming up" or "just so we're all on the same page, I'm not being serious right now." But I don't want to be confusing. That's the last thing I want. I'm an open book, you turn the pages. Don't lick your fingers first, that's gross.

*Is it because of the title of the blog?

Monday, August 6, 2007

Happy V-M Day!

Today is V-M Day: Victory over...Mystery! The sailor from the famous "V-J Kiss" photograph, taken in Times Square in 1945, iconic decorator of college dorms, has been confirmed as Glenn McDuffie of Houston, TX. McDuffie, who just turned 80, has been claiming his identity as the Kisser since 1980 when Life Magazine asked the couple from the portrait to come forward. 11 men and one woman submitted themselves for consideration and now, in 2007, the sailor's identity has been confirmed by forensic scientists!

I know what you're thinking - why not just ask the nurse, she should know, she kissed him! Well, McDuffie, who was a teen when he returned home from WWII, just jumped off the subway and grabbed a pretty nurse who was smiling at him. They never even spoke! So she might not remember.

I know what you're thinking now - how did Glenn McDuffie, the best and most famous kisser in the world, thrice divorced, celebrate his 80th birthday? His daughter drove up to Houston to take him out to dinner. "She told me I could go anywhere I wanted," McDuffie told the press. "So, we're going to Red Lobster, and I'm going to have lobster and shrimp." A fine meal for a hero of love and war.


A fellow blogger, more industrious than I, took a cue from "Lolcats: the internet sensation" and put together these "Lolrons" using adorable candid shots of Ron Paul, presidential hopeful. True, part of the impetus was a social experiment to see if a Ron Paul mention would steer internet traffic to their budding blog - which emphatically is NOT the intention of this post (RON PAUL RON PAUL RON PAUL RON PAUL).

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

You Probably Get This All the Time, but I Really Like Your Friend

People probably ask you this all the time, but what’s the story with your friend? Is he single? It must get annoying having everyone ask you about him all the time. Or maybe it’s cool because then cute girls have a reason to talk to you. Kidding! How mean would that be if I actually said that. But I’m sure you’ve just gotten used to it by now, the constant liking of your friend by girls.

Are people always making friends with you just to get closer to him? I bet that happens all the time with you and girls and you think they like you, but they actually like your friend. Not me though - I think you’re really nice and fun, I love your personality. Does your friend have a similar personality to you, plus good looks?

Do you think maybe he’d want to come to the concert with us on Friday? I know you got us tickets but I was thinking we could make it a group thing and then you could ask him to come. Do you mind driving so he and I can both drink? I think I’ll have a better chance with him if we get drunk - I mean, you’ve seen me when I’m drunk. Remember that one time I almost made out with you?! But in real life I like your friend. I’m sure you’re totally used to hearing that by now.

Area Woman Can't Tell if She Ironically or Sincerely Wants Lasagna for Lunch

Area woman Jessie Gaskell found herself at the heart of a troubling conundrum Wednesday when she was unable to diagnose her desire for lasagna as an ironic throwback or a sincere craving. “I haven’t had lasagna in, like, 10 years – but for some reason it sounds really good right now!” she said aloud to her cubemates around noon. “I kind of almost want to go to Ralph’s and get one of those frozen microwave dinners, is that totally gross of me?”

After eliciting only raised eyebrows from peers, many of whom refused to remove their headphones, Gaskell continued to muse out loud to herself. “I can’t believe I’m thinking of getting lasagna for lunch right now. What is this, ‘The Wonder Years?’ How good of a show was that, by the way?”

Gaskell polled coworkers for over 15 minutes on whether a sincere eating of lasagna would be considered socially acceptable before concluding that it was too much trouble to actually make it happen. “I mean, it’s not like it’s so important to me to have lasagna,” Gaskell announced, finally. “I just thought it sounded kind of funny.”