This is the latest installment of my new knowledge-giving column, "Your Questions, Answered!" where I expound on the questions from magazine covers, essentially saving you the $3.95 you would have spent or the embarrassment of getting caught reading it in line by the lady you babysit for.
This week's question comes from an intrepid reader, Kim (whose full identity I will spare for her protection), who asked me - "Jessie? Both Glamour and Cosmo this month advertise that within their glossy pages they hold the world's most sought-after secrets of sexual satisfaction. But, can you tell me, what are the top ten sexiest sex techniques ever?" Well, Kim, wonder no more - because I am about to take you on a one-way shuttle ride through my tantric universe. You are about to read everything those magazines will tell you, and everything they can't because of censorship, free of charge. I apologize in advance to my LGBT readers for the heterosexual bend, it's funnier this way.
Top Ten Sexiest Sex Tips EVER!!!
1. The number one tip is not a physical position, so much as an emotional one! It's called Be Confident. Whatever personal space you occupy, make sure you're feeling completely confident about yourself and your body. Because as ANY guy will tell you, there's nothing sexier than a woman who's comfortable with herself!
2. Pay Attention. Pay attention to what's going on. That's all I'm going to say! Wink!
3. Smile. When you smile, you look as beautiful outside as you do inside!
4. Safety. Nothing's fun unless it's completely safe. Make sure you're using both a contraceptive and an anti-sexual disease transmission device. Then cut loose!
5. Consent. Consentual is sensual! Make sure you both want to be doing what you're doing. Consent should be given verbally and above the influence of a sleep-inducing narcotic.
6. Communication. Talk about what you plan to do and then do it - that's the fun part! But talking about it can also be fun. See next month's issue on how to give him the dirtiest dirty talk of his life!
7. Environment. This has a double meaning. First, use your environment around you. Think about utilizing candles or scented drawer liners to set the mood. And second, conserve energy by turning off the lights and any running water. And don't forget to recycle when you're done!
8. Love. Nothing is sexier to a man than feeling loved and secure! Which brings us to:
9. Confidence - again! But for him this time! Make sure you're telling your partner how beautiful he looks in the moonlight and how strong his body is. If he has an ugly body, focus on one particular part that isn't ugly - like his calves!
10. Have fun! Don't forget to have fun. When you're having fun, the sex is going to be amazing!! But who cares if it's not, because you're having fun!!
Kim, and dear readers, there you have them. The secrets of my suc-sex! You now have all the tools you need to go out and have mind-blowing sex. Yum!