No, Your Retarded

There is a matter I must address both immediately and without delay. And I musn't let another second pass without attempting to quelch the putrid festering infection of one of the most vile attacks on human dignity.

Someone once said, "words can never hurt me." But there are two phrases that really do hurt me - in that they annoy me to the point of physical pain. These phrases are inane but somehow seeped past the reason sentries and managed to lodge themselves in society's zone of acceptable behavior. I realized today that I hate these phrases more than anything I've hated in recent memory. The first is "Good times." I'll use it in a conversation for you.

Joe: "Larry, here are the files you requested."
Larry: "Good times."

I can't pinpoint exactly what I hate about it. It's good wholesome bro-ing out. But it's just SO vague and incoherent. These times are not good. You're describing a specific situation that is pleasant or appealing to you. Not an entire era or phase of life. And if you're so happy about it, you really couldn't think of a better word than "good?" Maybe I hate that one because it sounds fratty, so I'm just being close-minded but the second phrase issues true cause for concern.

"No worries." Now this is the real offender. Much like a fart, I don't care who started it, we're all responsible for its acceptance. And as far as I'm concerned if you're not a part of the solution, you must be part of the problem.

First of all, it's an adaptation of a real, existing phrase - Don't Worry. "Don't worry about it." But what was wrong with that? I'll tell you what - it was too sincere. And some dude somewhere decided he needed it to become an all-encompassing expression of total mind-numbing apathy. No worries - as in, I have, literally NO WORRIES. Not about you, not about this, not about anything, because I am so utterly chill and rad that worries can't even affect me. I am unaffected by anything that could emote. Is this possible? No. So what is it? A front. An affront. A tough guise for tough guys. And it's two negative statements, and it makes you sound dumber than I know you are.

I hope you're saying to yourself, " I say those things." Well, don't. Anymore. If not for any reason other than them bothering me. This might sound controversial to you, but all revolutions started with controversy. The French one, the American one, and today - the Bro one. Time to luchar la lucha! Vavoom!