The Best Dracula Jokes You'll Hear All Day

Happy Halloween everybody! I have some fun treats in store for you today. Above are some lovely jack-o-lanterns my lady friends and I carved together. And no...surprisingly the phallus pumpkin isn't mine. Mine is the cave with the bats coming out of it, or, Plato's Allegory of the Cave, which ultimately was a beautiful mistake.

Halloween fun is fun, but it's also important that this fun be safe. I made up 3 special Halloween jokes that all have an important message about safety. I'm pretty proud of these jokes.

Q: Why does Dracula sleep all day?

A: Because he has AIDS.

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Q: What is Dracula's blood type?

A: AIDS positive.

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Q: How did Dracula get AIDS?

A: He likes putting it in the bat.

Ahhhh!! How scary!! Really though, everyone, let's talk about this for a second. If Dracula really existed today, he probably would have AIDS - because he's not discretionary at all about who he takes blood from. Just recklessly sucks blood, anytime, any place. What kind of a role model is that? These jokes are a warning about adapting to acknowledge the dangers present in a modern world.

Pass these jokes along, share with friends and family, but remember - I made them up, so you can't say you did.

Talk to Your Kids About Sex, and Don't Leave Out the Good Stuff

People are talking about "Talk to Me," a national PSA urging parents to "speak up" about the virtues of abstaining until marriage. (The PSA is put out by 4parents.gov, a division of the Department of Health and Human Services, and can be viewed HERE). People are talking about the discomfort of watching child actors hired by an Abstinence-Only contingent turn their dewy eyes to the camera and say things like "Tell me what you want from me." Notwithstanding the creepy undertones, this PSA has set us back another ten years from instituting practical sex education that actually prepares and protects kids. Luckily the Voice of Reason has a DV cam and a cache of talented kids at their disposal to make this hilarious parody. It's the brainchild (and lovechild) of some very smart and funny friends of mine. And it's on the front page of FunnyorDie.com right now!

And to toot my own horn, please check out my (very similar) blog entry on the Huffington Post here.

A Goodnight Wish

For everyone tonight, a magic carpet ride on a penis-generated rainbow! Whimsy! Try and tell me this doesn't put the "fun" back in TGIF.

I myself am also wishing that the four horsemen of the apocalypse - raging fires, flea infestations, the military-industrial machine, and VH1 - will require a few weeks of rest after their recent tour of destruction. I am also wishing that Stephen Colbert will tell us soon that his campaign for president is just a stunt to get people talking and excited about the primaries and he's not really going to take his schtick all the way to the dais. Colbert is currently polling at around 13% in three-way matchups, running as an Independent. Not that I don't love Stephen. But I don't think what we need is even less focus on issues.

This is a (Left-Brained) Cry for Help

Have you seen this? This is insane. Have you seen it yet?

It's been circulating this week but if you haven't played with it yet - I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable being responsible for your addiction. I can't tear myself away and I hate the loss of control. There is something very diabolical about this "Right brain vs. left brain" test you can find here. I don't trust it, and at the same time - I don't trust myself. I need answers. I need a hero. What is happening to my body?

Supposedly it works thus: if you see the dancer spinning clock-wise, you are right-brain inclined. If you see her turning counter-clockwise, you're a left-brainer. When I first looked I saw it going counter-clockwise, beyond the shadow of a doubt. It seemed unconscionable that anyone could see it otherwise. But my cubemate saw it going the other way. This drove a wedge between us for many hours yesterday and only this morning did we start relating to each other again.

THEN I asked some other people who had seen the dancer going BOTH ways. Legend had it that she could suddenly switch directions mid-spin when your brain changed its focus.! So I kept staring again, for another few hours, and I SAW IT - she changed direction mid-spin! She would then turn clockwise for a few spins, and then turn back again - and I'd have to sit and wait a few hours more for it to happen again.

I am seriously concerned about what this "Test" really is and why I am so obsessed with it. Is it a form of psychological terrorist warfare? Is the Matrix reaching out to select a few chosen drones to enlighten? Is it all a trick, a conspiracy, the Grassy Knoll, Building 7? I'm falling for it. I'm falling in love. I'm scared, and I'm cold. I feel old. But at least I'm feeling.

Implanting Change - for the Breast of Us!

As an act of civil disobedience, I'm writing this post in my pajamas wearing NO makeup. What a statement! I am a feminista revolutionary!

I read this article about a website charity where women can solicit donations for their desired breast implants. Developed by two intrepid men, it's an online community where men can see pictures of the needy women and send them emails for a $1.25 fee ($1.00 goes to the woman's breast fund, $0.25 to the site's founders for being geniuses). The philanthropists can then track the woman's progress as she grows from underdeveloped A-cup nation into military-industrial Double-D powerhouse!

An interesting thing is that this all got started with a "joke" - two guys hanging out in a Hooters, joking about how to change the world! And now it's grown into a thriving vehicle for happiness and social change. Okay, okay, I know you want to see the site. Here it is. Go check it out, I'll wait. http://www.myfreeimplants.com/ Come back when you're done, I have more to say.

Bottom line, these ladies are smart. Do I want things? Yes. Do I want otherpeople to pay for them? Yes. Specifically, I want things that are going to make me feel good about myself. Like these boots:

So I've come up with a way to have them. I'm turning this blog into a charity where men with foot fetishes can come and look at pictures of my feet such as this one:

I told you - no nudity! But they can look to their heart's content and send me money in exchange for more sexy pictures like the one above. So, send me money - and my feet will thank you! I accept Paypal. And as soon as I raise enough money for my boots, I'll find another pair of shoes that I want. Because I'll never be satisfied with just the boots, will I? The "boots"...! Am I making an"analogy" for a similar situation perhaps?!

Don't get me wrong - this is great. For everyone involved. Butwhat's troubling to me, as an average girl, with small to average boobs, is that women getting boob jobs are setting a new beauty standard for men that will become necessary and expected. Like bears or sharks after they've acquired a taste for human blood, these men will have to continue getting boob job'd women, or else they'll have to be put down.

The New Price is Right: Younger, Fatter, More Boring

Drew Carey's premiere as the new host of The Price is Right aired Monday and if you thought he'd at least be more entertaining than a corpse, well..."no deal!" (what?) Drew did seem nervous, as anyone would be - though I can't imagine the crowd at the Price is Right being too discriminating. But complacent millionaire Drew had no jokes (except for one bit that he did twice in the same show: "Did you drive here?" "No." "Well maybe you can drive home." Announcer: In a new car!!!!) In a transcription all of Drew's statements would end in periods. "Congratulations." "You just won $10,000." "I can't feel my feet." I found myself daydreaming that the announcer would take over and just run the show from the booth. "I can't feel my feet!!!!"

And is Drew so boring that they had to rig every game to make the show exciting? Every single contestant on the premiere show, 6 straight magical genius price guessers, won their game! Two people even won an extra $1000 on the wheel. I don't know how they actually pulled this off - were there elves in the wheel structure stopping it on the $1.00? Multiple takes? The more I think about it the more impressed I am by the whole charade. Impressed, but not manipulated! I mean, who wants to watch or attend a game show where everyone wins? Not this cookie. Sorry - I shouldn't have brought up cookies without having some available. I won't do it again. Forgive me?

Score One for Equality, Not!

Woopsies! A typo was found in an Arkansas state law that essentially legalizes marriage among two people of any age - including babies (No word yet on whether fetuses are considered people and at what stage). The law, in effect since July 31st, was intended to raise the minimum marriage age in Arkansas to 18, but a randomly placed "not" in the language of the law enacted the opposite - allowing anyone of any age to marry with parental consent. Woopsies!

But come on - let's cut Arkansas lawmakers a break. This is not something that spellcheck would not have not caught - right? Did you expect them to proofread the whole entire law? So how can they not be blamed for this. Woops, I mean "not not blamed."

Or was this a serendipitous intervention from a highly enlightened being? Perhaps it's just the beginning of a state coup sponsored by the motivated and well-funded progressive baby marriage lobby. Or maybe it's a choreographed performance art piece making a profound social statement! To show that every person* who wants to marry has the legal ability to enter the most sacred of unions, regardless of age! (*note: homosexuals not included). Congratulations, Arkansas, for stepping up to fill the void in the progressive movement that California lazily and drug-inducedly left open. Not.* (*note: this word negates all preceding commentary).

Top 10 Sexiest Sex Tips Ever - Your Questions, Answered!

This is the latest installment of my new knowledge-giving column, "Your Questions, Answered!" where I expound on the questions from magazine covers, essentially saving you the $3.95 you would have spent or the embarrassment of getting caught reading it in line by the lady you babysit for.

This week's question comes from an intrepid reader, Kim (whose full identity I will spare for her protection), who asked me - "Jessie? Both Glamour and Cosmo this month advertise that within their glossy pages they hold the world's most sought-after secrets of sexual satisfaction. But, can you tell me, what are the top ten sexiest sex techniques ever?" Well, Kim, wonder no more - because I am about to take you on a one-way shuttle ride through my tantric universe. You are about to read everything those magazines will tell you, and everything they can't because of censorship, free of charge. I apologize in advance to my LGBT readers for the heterosexual bend, it's funnier this way.

Top Ten Sexiest Sex Tips EVER!!!

1. The number one tip is not a physical position, so much as an emotional one! It's called Be Confident. Whatever personal space you occupy, make sure you're feeling completely confident about yourself and your body. Because as ANY guy will tell you, there's nothing sexier than a woman who's comfortable with herself!

2. Pay Attention. Pay attention to what's going on. That's all I'm going to say! Wink!

3. Smile. When you smile, you look as beautiful outside as you do inside!

4. Safety. Nothing's fun unless it's completely safe. Make sure you're using both a contraceptive and an anti-sexual disease transmission device. Then cut loose!

5. Consent. Consentual is sensual! Make sure you both want to be doing what you're doing. Consent should be given verbally and above the influence of a sleep-inducing narcotic.

6. Communication. Talk about what you plan to do and then do it - that's the fun part! But talking about it can also be fun. See next month's issue on how to give him the dirtiest dirty talk of his life!

7. Environment. This has a double meaning. First, use your environment around you. Think about utilizing candles or scented drawer liners to set the mood. And second, conserve energy by turning off the lights and any running water. And don't forget to recycle when you're done!

8. Love. Nothing is sexier to a man than feeling loved and secure! Which brings us to:

9. Confidence - again! But for him this time! Make sure you're telling your partner how beautiful he looks in the moonlight and how strong his body is. If he has an ugly body, focus on one particular part that isn't ugly - like his calves!

10. Have fun! Don't forget to have fun. When you're having fun, the sex is going to be amazing!! But who cares if it's not, because you're having fun!!

Kim, and dear readers, there you have them. The secrets of my suc-sex! You now have all the tools you need to go out and have mind-blowing sex. Yum!

The Soup: Best jokes that didn't make the show!

Want to hear the best monologue jokes from the writers of The Soup that didn't make the final show? Head Writer K.P. Anderson keeps a weekly blog of his favorites. You might know someone who wrote some.

Check out the blog here!

The Soup (formerly "Talk Soup") is an uproarious roundup of the week's best and worst television and pop culture moments. If you haven't experienced it yet, you are only living your life up to 50% of its fullest. The Soup premieres every Friday at 10pm on E!

I want to browse your Myspace profile, but it's just so loud! I mean, both literally and figuratively. Your loud song plays immediately but you have so much html loading on your page that I can't even get in there to pause it. So I just end up bothering the coworkers in adjacent cubes by playing your loud song for 12 seconds or more before I give up and click back to my homepage. I mean really, where is your sense of decency?

I'd love the opportunity to look at your profile and see your favorite movies, and possibly body type. But all I know about you is that you posted a comment on my ex-boyfriend's page (where I linked from) and really like Journey (who doesn't?)! I just don't have the patience to wait while your complicated and visually loud profile loads. So I guess we'll never be more than what we are: friends of friends of friends.

It's really too bad - we might have had something special. But I simply can't keep bothering my neighbors with your loud song. And I can't be bothered to turn down my volume. So I guess we're at an impasse. Unless, that is...you decide to reset your Myspace preferences to play your song manually, or you opt for a simpler layout. But why would you do that for someone you don't know that well, or at all for that matter? Maybe...the hope for a more sanctimonious virtual community? A better virtual existence for posterity? The choice is yours.

No, Your Retarded

There is a matter I must address both immediately and without delay. And I musn't let another second pass without attempting to quelch the putrid festering infection of one of the most vile attacks on human dignity.

Someone once said, "words can never hurt me." But there are two phrases that really do hurt me - in that they annoy me to the point of physical pain. These phrases are inane but somehow seeped past the reason sentries and managed to lodge themselves in society's zone of acceptable behavior. I realized today that I hate these phrases more than anything I've hated in recent memory. The first is "Good times." I'll use it in a conversation for you.

Joe: "Larry, here are the files you requested."
Larry: "Good times."

I can't pinpoint exactly what I hate about it. It's good wholesome bro-ing out. But it's just SO vague and incoherent. These times are not good. You're describing a specific situation that is pleasant or appealing to you. Not an entire era or phase of life. And if you're so happy about it, you really couldn't think of a better word than "good?" Maybe I hate that one because it sounds fratty, so I'm just being close-minded but the second phrase issues true cause for concern.

"No worries." Now this is the real offender. Much like a fart, I don't care who started it, we're all responsible for its acceptance. And as far as I'm concerned if you're not a part of the solution, you must be part of the problem.

First of all, it's an adaptation of a real, existing phrase - Don't Worry. "Don't worry about it." But what was wrong with that? I'll tell you what - it was too sincere. And some dude somewhere decided he needed it to become an all-encompassing expression of total mind-numbing apathy. No worries - as in, I have, literally NO WORRIES. Not about you, not about this, not about anything, because I am so utterly chill and rad that worries can't even affect me. I am unaffected by anything that could emote. Is this possible? No. So what is it? A front. An affront. A tough guise for tough guys. And it's two negative statements, and it makes you sound dumber than I know you are.

I hope you're saying to yourself, " I say those things." Well, don't. Anymore. If not for any reason other than them bothering me. This might sound controversial to you, but all revolutions started with controversy. The French one, the American one, and today - the Bro one. Time to luchar la lucha! Vavoom!