New Planet: Where were we on that one?

Okay. You've heard by now that European astronomers discovered a new planet (!) named Gliese 581 C (not as catchy as "Earth") that could harbor liquid water and life!! This is very exciting news for all of mankind!

But is no one else troubled by this sentence? No, not the part about life on another planet. The part where European astronomers made this awesome discovery?? What the shit, America!! Where were we on that one?

Dude. Remember back during the Cold War when we were, like, the best at Space? And we sent all those kids to Space Camp (super COOL kids) and we invested resources in human capital and it was important for us to be the best at trying new things and taking the scientific community by storm?

I am a patriot in the truest sense of the word. I want America to be making the best discoveries. I want America to be spending money on cool shit. I have a feeling I know where that money has been reallocated and it is not as cool as this planet. I think this is a compelling argument.

Wheeee!

Eeeee!!

Stephen W. Hawking, astrophysicist, father, grandfather, experienced zero gravity on Thursday in one of those jets you can pay to fly in. It's pretty complicated, but I've figured out how it works. Here's how it works:

The jet flies to around 32,000 feet. It then takes a steep parabolic dive (the parabola is important), dropping about 8,000 feet and allowing passengers to be weightless for 25 seconds. Stephen W. Hawking got to do this 8 times yesterday!

They say when he was not weightless, he was resting atop a special foam pillow. Oh, to touch that foam pillow he was weightful on!

Zach Braff will NOT be doing the thing some people thought he was going to do

Big news, straight from Hollywood blogs:

Zach Braff will NOT be playing the role of "Fletch" in the "Fletch" remake a few people have been talking about. Some people had talked about who would play the role of "Fletch" and those people expected that, naturally, Zach Braff would, for obvious reasons. But I am here reporting today that he will NOT, I repeat, NOT be playing the role of "Fletch." Many of the people who were previously talking about this are now disappointed.

It's disappointing, but mostly in the way it's always disappointing to hear that someone is not doing something. That's bad news, because it's negative, right? So I guess now we start talking about who else might be capable of playing the role of "Fletch?" And I will let you know when it is decided that any of those people will not be playing that role.

I will bet money that the next person to not be playing it will be Shia LeBouf - he is all over the place these days!

This is Why I'm Hot, Remix

I just got the lyrics to the follow-up single to MIMS's smash hit, "This is Why I'm Hot." And let me tell you -- it is hot! It's called "This is Not a Rap."

This is not a rap
This is not a rap
This is not
This is not
This is not a rap

A rap has lyrics
That generally rhyme

This is not
This is not
This is not a rap.

I'm so hot
That I don't have to rap
I can sell a mill saying nothing on the track*
The public is stupid
You are stupid
I tell you that you're stupid and you still buy my track
I just name places
Places are the best
Different cities and directions like East and West.
Woops that rhymed
It sounds like I'm trying
Even though I'm not
Did I mention that I'm hot?

This is not a rap
This is not a rap
This is not
This is not
This is not a rap

A rap has words
Words that say things

This is not
This is not
This is not a rap.

Suckaz!



*Line borrowed from first hit, "This is Why I'm Hot"

Who's your Baghdad?

Hey--Happy Anniversary, Baghdad! It's the 4th anniversary of your fall. How do you want to celebrate? A romantic candelit dinner, oysters dipped in a dark chocolate fountain? A drive out to the Cape? Or maybe you just want to stay in tonight? Good, because there's a curfew that lasts from 5 a.m. today to 5 a.m. tomorrow.

The curfew includes a ban on the use of vehicles in the city (except security force vehicles). With any anniversary inevitably come protests from disgruntled partners (just ask my ex-husband!) so it makes sense that they're trying to crack down on grumblings and car bombings.

Get out the KY because we've got 24 hours to kill!

Footnote: today's not THAT special in Baghdad because there's actually a curfew every night from 10 pm to 5 am. It was just shortened last week by 2 hours due to lots of good behavior!

Hooters to Open New Location

Great news! The popular chain, Hooters, is opening a quality restaurant in a new location: Baghdad! Now Iraqis too can cool off after a long day at work with cold beer and a plate of fire wings while ignoring their wives' text messages. Here are direct quotes from Hooters spokesman, Mike McNeil:

“For the most part, it will be identical to what you’re going to see in the United States — the same uniform for the girls, chicken wings and burgers,” he said.

Asked about any religious concerns about Hooters opening in Iraq, McNeil said, “We’re not aware of any concerns at this point.”

Oh my gosh, that sounds absurd. You know there's no Hooters opening in Iraq. But swap out Iraq for Israel, and you'll have a true story. Oh, of course! That makes more sense.

US V. Nature

In the midst of a tumultuous battle over the U.S. government's responsibility in curbing global warming, Nature and Monument manage to pose for this beautiful picture together.

Today the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases must be regulated under the Clean Air Act, giving the EPA jurisdiction over emissions from cars.

What this could mean is support from the EPA for state-run programs to limit tailpipe emissions from new cars, beginning with 2009 models. In the short term it is affirming to have confirmation from our Judiciary (or at least, just over half of its members) that global warming exists. Big steps. (AP)

RNC glad I didn't say banana?

Bush: "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone. Ah, those were the good ol' days."

Rove: "I'm MC Rove! Turd blossom."

Who says the Republicans aren't funny anymore? They killed at the Comedy Store last night!

Jessie

Jessie's Mom On...

Jessie's Mom On Dancing with the Stars:

"But you know, anyone who was in an accident and has an artificial leg, I have respect for. In a lot of ways."

Gingers, Beware!!

Oh my God. I just got terrible news from Details Magazine! They told me that by the year 2100 (which is NOT THAT LONG FROM NOW) the redheaded gene in humans will be completely extinct! What? Why is this not being made a bigger deal of?!

Okay. Currently 4% of the world's population are natural redheads. Which makes us (yes, people--"auburn" counts) a serious minority. And um...I don't know if you assholes care, but the systematic elimination of a minority group is called GENOCIDE. And it's not interesting, Details Magazine, it's fucked up.

I'm seriously really scared right now. What happens if me or one of my potential offspring with another ginger live to the year 2100? Are you going to kill us, Details Magazine, to prove a point?

Well, at least now I know my calling. I'm going to go out and make lots of babies with redheaded men to make sure this prophecy from Details' Nostradamus doesn't come to fruition. It will be like the plot of Children of Men except with higher stakes.

And in the meantime, I'm getting blonde highlights so I don't end up having to hide out in some attic writing my memoirs.

Jessie

March Madness!

(It's so weird of me to put up pictures of strangers' kids. Then again, when I get a cool email forward I never think, "How weird: I bet that cat/dog/baby asleep on the couch/shoe/trampoline belongs to somebody!" So maybe it's not that weird.)

Jessie

Jessie's Mom On...

Jessie's Mom On The song "Hips Don't Lie," by Shakira:

"I didn't expect to like it, but I really did!"

Legislatin' to the Oldies

Every once in a while the opportunity comes along for SeriouslyJazzed to make a meaningful contribution to society. Oh--this is one of them. Richard Simmons recently visited Washington, D.C. to meet with legislators and throw his support behind H.R. 1224, a motion that would make physical fitness programs a requirement for schools under the No Child Left Behind act. They can't make me like No Child Left Behind, but I could hate it less.

This is a good thing. I know Richard has always been doing good things but this is particularly sweet of him. And the best part is, we still live in a sort-of democratic republic, and we can help Richard realize the dream of nationwide PE for kids. I know maybe there were times when PE didn't agree with us, but there were other times when it really felt good to be outside. Plus, talk about flirting opportunities!

Please check out Richard Simmons' website (for a wealth of fulfillment--seriously) and print this easy form letter to send to your congressperson. I know it sounds like a small thing to do, but your calls and letters to representatives really do get counted and can dramatically influence decision-making. There are great people working for congressional reps who are trying hard to increase accountability. Especially in Dianne Feinstein's office.

Thanks for listening!

Jessie

Jessie's Mom On...

Jessie's Mom On Standup Comedy:

"Not everybody laughs out loud."

The Dinner Conspiracy?

So a coworker raised an interesting point today (he's one of those coworkers who's always got an interesting point to raise). "Why do we need dinner?" He asked. "I don't know," I responded, "Because we're hungry around that time of night?" And he said, "But why can't we just have a big late lunch and only eat two meals a day? Don't you think maybe you've just been conditioned to be hungry at night because you're used to eating dinner?"

I didn't have an answer to that one. In my head I was thinking, but, it's dinner...it just is. And it's good. And aren't you not supposed to skip meals? I wasn't convinced.

But he continued to argue his point. "Isn't dinner just a social construct? I bet it's not totally natural for human beings to want to eat dinner."

"So why do we do it?" I asked.

And here's where he really got me. "So people can make money," he said. Wow. A conspiracy theorist to out-theorize even me? If you know me, you know I love conspiracies. But suddenly I found myself torn between my devotion to military-industrial paranoia, and my love for dinner. And the whole ordeal made me realize, sometimes it's healthy to question authority. But not always.

Are you smarter than...

Inspired by the success of FOX's "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader," Seriously Jazzed brings you "Are You Smarter Than a Third Grader." Once you try this I have a feeling you, like me, will think "Wait... third graders can do that? I need to start giving eight year olds a lot more credit in this world." And really, the children are our future...so you should.

Joanna

Hey! Stop Sneezing.

Brooke Owens has been sneezing for nearly a month straight. Her mysterious affliction came at a time when the political climate was extremely friendly to girls with hiccups but the public was less willing to accept a chronic sneezer.

We all know what a sneeze is. But what is a sneeze? Dr. Clifford Basset says of sneezing:
Any time there is irritation to the nasal mucosa — the tender inner lining of the nasal passages — the body's natural reaction is to sneeze. "It's a protective reflex," he says. "In general, sneezing is a good thing."

I completely agree, Dr. Bassett, but I think we can all agree that it's possible to have too much of a good thing. So far no one has been able to help Brooke. But Brookie: I'm going to help you.

Keep reading, keep reading this blog, expecting nothing, you're relaxed, you're enjoying yourself, you're reading, and then...

BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gotcha! You're welcome sweetie.

Jessie

Los Olympics!

Okay. So on the one hand, it feels like we JUST hosted the Summer Olympics. But, now that I think about it, in 2016 it will have been over 30 years since L.A. hosted, AND some people boycotted the first time so it kinda didn't totally count. But the biggest draw for me is that L.A. might get some pretty cool treats out of the whole deal...like sweet t-shirts, or public transportation.

I say we do it!!

Jessie

I Still Like Peanut Butter

When I was little and my mom and I used to make chocolate chip cookies, she would tell me to watch out and make sure I didn't eat too much of the raw cookie dough because I might get salmonella. Well, I did eat too much cookie dough and I didn't get salmonella.

Which leads me to believe that salmonella is a disease mothers made up to get their kids not to eat too much of really good things.

I, for one, am not going to fall for it.

Jessie

Jazzing a Jailable Offense?

This seems to be the case in Egypt, where a blogger* has been sentenced to four years behind bars for posting insults about Islam and some dude named Hosni.**

Abdel Karim Soliman, whose nom de blog is Karim Amer, was expelled from University and was then found guilty of inciting sedition and insulting things*** in a five-minute court session. That sucks right? I guess blogging is like driving: a privilege, not a right. I’m just glad I’m privileged; thanks America.

We are on your side Karim! If you get wi-fi in prison, visit seriouslyjazzed.com!

From Brian!

*that is him in the picture, behind bars. He seems nice.
**Hosni Mubarak has been the president of Egypt for the last 24 years.
***yeah, insulting things.

How We Gonna Pay Lent?

This year's Lent, next year's Lent? Lent, Lent, Lent, Le-ent, Lent!

So, Lent started yesterday. I totally appreciate traditions of all forms and I love that people honor them in these reckless times. But remember how participating in Lent used to be "trendy?" And popular sorority girls would give up things like "sugar" when you knew they just wanted to diet, and guys would give up things like "cussing" because that would be the ultimate sacrifice for them. Except, then if they accidentally said a bad word, it would be like, woops! Oh well. And God never punished them or anything. I've also heard people say they were giving up things like "exercise," which I also don't think is in the spirit of the holiday.

Is Lent actually considered a holiday, though? I don't even know. Aren't you supposed to do things you normally wouldn't do on holidays? Not not do things you do normally do. Either way, Happy Lent! Or, Productive Lent, or whatever it is you say about Lent.

Jessie

Jazzed in the USSR

Does it feel like we haven't heard anything from Russia lately? Remember when all we heard about was Russia? I hope they're okay.

They say you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But does that mean when you stop being enemies you have to drift apart? Where do all those feelings go? They can't just disappear.

I hope you guys are okay.
Jessie

Everyone Celebrates Valentine's Day a Little Differently

There you go. Are you happy now? See what Valentine's Day does to people? It's hard not to have a special person today. But I think the important lesson here is that loneliness is universal. A jilted lover is a jilted lover, whether a jihadist or a gay cowboy.

So folks...tell the people in your life you love them. Otherwise they'll get really bummed out today.

Jessie

Make Robots! Make, Make Robots!

How sweet is this! This website (Paper Robots) shows you how to cut and make your own TRANSFORMER ROBOT out of paper!! What? I can't be serious. BUT I AM. You can make your very own Optimus Prime out of paper, glue, string, and some markers to add color. The website goes on to elaborate:

And not only is he a fully articulate action figure, but he also TRANSFORMS INTO A TRUCK!

This may be the first fully articulate paper action robot in all of history. You know what this means, right? Not only is he capable of destruction on a massive scale but he can sublimely orate how he feels about the theme of destruction.

Blogorrhea Majora

1. blogorrhea 404 up, 79 down

To write a blog entry just for the sake of posting an entry, not because you have done anything interesting today.

I couldn't really think of anthing good to blog about, so my last post was real blogorrhea.

I didn't have anything to write about...until I saw this Urban Dictionary entry.
But...shit! Is that what this is? Is that what I'm literally doing right now? Am I a hypocrite? Or is ruminating about the act of not having something to post about a worthwhile post? Or isn't it? Post post hypocrite online. Meta.