The Summer of Shark

Everybody jazz! It's Shark Week 2006!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In honor of the much-anticipated Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, here is a fun shark fact for all you fact fiends:

In the U.S., a person is 30 times more likely to get killed by lightning than by a shark attack. Really!

Note: this doesn't mean we should be less worried about going in the ocean; if anything, it means we should be more worried about going outside in general.

Shark Week!!
Jessie

Haley Joel is magic!

We've learned that Haley Joel Osment was in a car accident yesterday (not jazzed about that--we hope he's okay). But I think the media frenzy, as usual, is ignoring the real news story here: Haley Joel Osment is old enough to drive?!? Wait...Haley Joel Osment is bending time and space continui to age at an uncontrollable, accelerated rate!! Here is a picture of Haley Joel taken right before the accident, on the right...and on the left is a photo taken of him 2 days earlier. Literally, yesterday, he was 11 years old and cute as a button.

What other powers might he possess? If he's able to speed up time progression, he might be able to bend sound, or throw sunlight, or find a viable energy replacement for oil. Maybe he IS energy. Or sunlight.

Bottom line: Haley Joel Osment is 18. Since I remember his ultrasound pin-ups from my Bop/BB days, this means: I am suddenly OLD.

Jessie

Japanese people love beaches

Hmmm... whatever could be inside this large building along Japan's coast? I'm taking guesses!

... Okay, seriously. Have you guessed by now?
Might you have guessed... THIS???

It's an OCEANDOME. An ocean... inside a dome! Like a fun beach... inside! OCEANDOME has its own volcano, a perfectly controlled climate, and a retractable roof. Every hour, the volcano "errupts" and the waves break loose for a few minutes of totally out-of-control fun surfing! OCEANDOME comes at a price though... $50 US per person.
Or, you could just go to the real beach.

Joanna

Seriously CUTE.

Originally posted: July 18, 2006

Come on. Seriously. What do you want me to say? You want me to riff on this? On how cute it is that a mother cat is letting two orphaned puppies, whose doggie mommy died while giving puppy birth, suckle from her kitty teat alongside her kitten? What? What else would you say? What else is there to say?

I wish it were Mother's Day for this posting...

Sigh...

Joanna

DNA Evidence Exonerates Witch

Originally posted: July 13, 2006

In a great victory for witches and advocates of trial by jury everywhere, the governor of Virginia gave an informal pardon Monday to a woman named Grace Sherwood, who exactly 300 years ago became the only person ever convicted via the then-popular "floating litmus test." Sherwood, who evoked suspicions from neighbors by wearing men's clothing on occasion, was accused of using witchcraft to ruin crops, kill livestock and premature babies, and control the weather. (This is an artist's rendering of Grace--looks like a witch, right? Except, kinda beautiful and nice-looking. But that's how they get you!)

On July 10, 1706, Sherwood was dropped into a river and floated, providing the evidential lynchpin for the prosecution and confirming her guilty, black spirit.

I know this seems like a huge stride for America, and for the feminist movement--but I worry about the implications. Today, it's a pardon for a drought-inducing, cross-dressing witch. Tomorrow, whose name will we be clearing 300 years after their death? Mayan insurgents? Slave rebels? Japanese immigrants? It's a slippery slope.

I am slightly reassured by the fact that this was not an official pardon--actually, it was just a letter sent on Virginia Governor's Office stationery to be read at the annual "Sherwood Riverside Trial Reenactment" put on by radical anti-water trial activists. As a former Senate intern, and writer of those types of letters, I know who writes those types of letters, and I'm willing to venture that 'twas not the Governor's sweet lips that graced that envelope.
Still, I suppose this landmark was an important reminder of the progress we've made since Sherwood's trial. We've come a long way in 300 years, and we are lucky today to live in a time where our courts system ensures above all else that justice is served, and that the innocent are no longer convicted and put to death without substantial, compelling evidence that will later be debunked by DNA testing.

But this isn't a cue for us to let down our guard. Never trust a woman wearing slacks--she's probably hiding something. And you'll know it's witchcraft when she gets the promotion you were up for.

Jessie

World's Coolest Bear. No Contest.

Originally posted: July 11, 2006

If you had bets on The World's Coolest Bear, the results are in. Cash in if you chose this Lake Tahoe native bear cub. Otherwise, you're out of luck. On July 1st, this crafty little guy hopped into a vintage Buick convertible, snacked on some barbecue-chicken-jalapeno pizza and then washed it down with a little Jack Daniels and beer. This bear has the exact same taste in cars, food and beverages as most guys my age.

About 30 people watched the bear amble around the parking lot before selecting what must have been the sweetest wheels with the most delish snacks inside.

Joanna

Horny for the Homeland

Originally posted: June 30, 2006

I couldn't not post this. I don't even know how to process this. Yes, that's Rush Limbaugh. Yes, that's Mary Lynn Rasjkub (who plays Chloe on "24"). My stomach is churning (with envy)!
Rush and Mary Lynn (let's just refer to her as "Chloe") shared dais space recently in a panel discussion hosted by right-of-center think tank The Heritage Foundation. The discussion, which aimed to examine the differences between fictional depictions of Homeland Security proceedings and real ones, featured Michael Chertoff (U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security Secretary), Rush Limbaugh as moderator, and the creators and stars of Fox Network's "24." The photo op evidently took place immediately before the discussion started, leading some observers to believe it was not Rush and Chloe's first meeting.

Is Chloe Rush's real-life Viagra Vixen? I don't know! I hate gossip. Although, "Roll Call" recently confirmed the circulation on the Hill of rumors that the two are currently dating.
Why is a huge tv star like Chloe dating a man 40-70 years her senior? (I don't know either of their ages and don't feel like doing the research).

Why does Michael Chertoff have time to meet and greet with Hollywood celebrities when there is a homeland to secure and a War on Terror to lose?

I don't have the answers. I leave you only with this: when the fireworks are going off overhead this July 4th, rest easy knowing that they are also going off in Rush Limbaugh's bedroom. And feel safe. Because Michael Chertoff has secured this freedom for every American, even the gross ones. Jazzy 4th.

Jessie