You Probably Get This All the Time, but I Really Like Your Friend

People probably ask you this all the time, but what’s the story with your friend? Is he single? It must get annoying having everyone ask you about him all the time. Or maybe it’s cool because then cute girls have a reason to talk to you. Kidding! How mean would that be if I actually said that. But I’m sure you’ve just gotten used to it by now, the constant liking of your friend by girls.

Are people always making friends with you just to get closer to him? I bet that happens all the time with you and girls and you think they like you, but they actually like your friend. Not me though - I think you’re really nice and fun, I love your personality. Does your friend have a similar personality to you, plus good looks?

Do you think maybe he’d want to come to the concert with us on Friday? I know you got us tickets but I was thinking we could make it a group thing and then you could ask him to come. Do you mind driving so he and I can both drink? I think I’ll have a better chance with him if we get drunk - I mean, you’ve seen me when I’m drunk. Remember that one time I almost made out with you?! But in real life I like your friend. I’m sure you’re totally used to hearing that by now.

Area Woman Can't Tell if She Ironically or Sincerely Wants Lasagna for Lunch

Area woman Jessie Gaskell found herself at the heart of a troubling conundrum Wednesday when she was unable to diagnose her desire for lasagna as an ironic throwback or a sincere craving. “I haven’t had lasagna in, like, 10 years – but for some reason it sounds really good right now!” she said aloud to her cubemates around noon. “I kind of almost want to go to Ralph’s and get one of those frozen microwave dinners, is that totally gross of me?”

After eliciting only raised eyebrows from peers, many of whom refused to remove their headphones, Gaskell continued to muse out loud to herself. “I can’t believe I’m thinking of getting lasagna for lunch right now. What is this, ‘The Wonder Years?’ How good of a show was that, by the way?”

Gaskell polled coworkers for over 15 minutes on whether a sincere eating of lasagna would be considered socially acceptable before concluding that it was too much trouble to actually make it happen. “I mean, it’s not like it’s so important to me to have lasagna,” Gaskell announced, finally. “I just thought it sounded kind of funny.”

Iraqis Hunted by Man-Eating Badgers

As if raw sewage and shrapnel weren't enough scary campfire story fodder, there is a new horror on the loose in Iraq. Rumors are flying throughout the port city Basra that giant man-eating badgers stalk the streets at night, attacking unsuspecting human prey. The monsters are reported to be much larger than common badgers, with giant claws and sharp teeth for ripping through flesh. (Watch the video!)

A spokesman for the British army issued a statement that there are honey badgers in Basra but they rarely attack humans, unless provoked. “They are native to the region but rare in Iraq. They're nocturnal carnivores with a fearsome reputation, but they don't stalk humans and carry them back to their lair,” he said.

Still, many Iraqis believe this animal appeared directly after Western occupation of the province, spawning conspiracy theories that U.S. or British forces unleashed the animal to spread fear throughout the city.

Wait. Huge badger-looking animals terrorizing the village, put there by authorities to strike fear in the hearts of citizens? Sounds like a good idea for a movie...but there has to be a twist ending! I think that was the twist ending.

Nikonography

Here are some incredible pictures from Nikon's "It's a small world" photomicrography competition (photos taken through a light microscope). Life is so beautiful. Check out the rest and rate the entries here.

It's the Final Countdown

Final Countdown

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This is my favorite clip in The Soup this week. It's from the show Singing Bee but that's irrelevant. I love so many things: the ultra-fast zoom, the pained look on the singer's face, the booty dancers, the synthesizer. Everything.

If I Blogged This (Book Review)

If I blogged this, not that I did, or would, but hypothetically speaking, if I blogged a book review about the book "If I Did It" by OJ Simpson, would you guys be mad at me?

Well, someone at work got a leaked copy and sent it around as a PDF file and I did skim it. Let's just say - OJ Simpson is a chronic modifier misplacer. I don't have the energy or the moral security to break down his commentary on the murders, but I think these two excerpts will suffice:

"I did a little acting, too, and for a number of years I was a pitchman for Hertz, the rental car people. Some of you might remember me from the television spots: I was always running late, pressed for time, leaping over fences and cars and piles of luggage to catch my flight. If you don't see the irony in that, you will."

Ironic. It was so "ironic" when I killed my wife and her lover. Ironic.

"A few days later, we flew down to Manzanilla, Mexico, for our honeymoon. We stayed in a beautiful place called Las Hadas and made love three times a day. That's why we were there, right? To give Nicole a family of her own."

Gross. It was "gross" when OJ Simpson described his lovemaking habits. Gross.

Anyway, those are basically the most important passages from the book, as far as I could gather. Quote them at your next social gathering! Impress your intellectual reader friends!

Like, Dead Dead?

China executed its former Food and Drug chief today for taking bribes to approve untested medicines that resulted in the deaths of 10 people. Zheng Xiaoyu was convicted last week of taking about $850,000 in bribes, was sentenced to death, and today it was carried out. Done, and dead. China executes more people each year than all other nations combined. Makes me almost change my mind about the coolness of Communism!

Being serious for a second, this makes me think a few thoughts. Although this case highlights the Chinese state's incredible efficiency, it still makes me grateful that although the Patriot Act and Homeland Security do infringe on our human rights, at least our corrupt officials are not being sentenced to death. They are being sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison and then having that sentence commuted by the president whose interest they were serving. I don't think anyone needs to die over that.

* This is a Chinese mobile execution van that delivers deadly injections on the go!