3 Seconds of Diversion

Okay. Uh oh. This is bad. Let me just start off by saying it has been way too long since I last posted. I'm not sure what you're thinking right now. I can't tell how mad you are. I hope you'll forgive me and start coming back regularly. I need you.

I started a new job this week! But that is no excuse. As much as my absence has hurt you, I can tell you it has been equally straining on me. Not posting to SeriouslyJazzed is like not having a cell phone. And knowing that all of your friends are going to drift away from you because let's face it: out of sight is out of mind. And people are ruthless, and they'll do anything to forget that you exist.

So today I still don't have that cool of a post for you, but I do have a fun little thing that, hopefully, if you have fun, will encourage you to come back tomorrow and read more and hear about my new life and think about what is missing from your own lives. Hmm?

In the meantime, you can all use this website to find out your life's Theme Song. Here's how: go to the site, then enter your birthday, and it will tell you what song was number one on the Billboard charts that day in history. And I kid you not, 9 times out of 10 that song will reflect your exact personal attitude towards life. For instance, my song: "Maneater" by Hall and Oates. See, it works!

Jessie

Dolphin: Not always your favorite animal

Hey--remember when the answer to "What's your favorite animal?" or "If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?" was really easy? Because the answer was obviously "Dolphin"? RECONSIDER, DEAR READERS. This weekend, I saw a traumatizing special on National Geographic. "Dolphin Attack." Dolphins can and WILL attack humans. They've even killed people!
Some information on dangerous dolphins...
Sometimes dolphins get really pissy and angsty when it's mating time. You can't help it.
Dolphins also can get really messed up in the head when they live in those captivity "swim with dolphins" places. If you're going to swim with the dolphins, DO NOT FEED THEM. "Dolphin Attack" showed some highly unregulated "swim with dolphins" places where people fed dolphins human food, paper, even Styrofoam cups. That dolphin WILL RUTHLESSLY ATTACK YOU.
"Dolphin Attack" featured many reenactments of dolphin attacks. In several circumstances, dolphins had gotten feisty when partying dudes have tried to party with dolphins. Dolphins are PARTY POOPERS. Apparently, dolphins don't like being slapped in the face, having beer cans thrown at them, and having popsicle sticks stuck down their blow holes. Yeah, apparently they get really irritable and might attack someone after rejecting a good time.
So... in short, beware of dolphins. Maybe consider a new favorite animal, like a meerkat. Or a three-toed sloth. Also, if you were making a wedding invite list and felt your numbers were a little too high... cut the dolphin first. They are NOT down to party.
Joanna

To Do: Danish Clowns

SeriouslyJazzed's weekend guide is here! Book tickets early for the International Festival of Clowns, taking place in Copenhagen this weekend and next. This tenth anniversary show proves to be an explosive crowd pleaser, with returning favorites such as Okidok2 from Belgium (nominated for the "World Artist and Clown Award," 2006) and newcomers like the Jashgawronsky Brothers (fresh off their tour in Armenia!)

Whatever your taste in clowns, whether clowns that balance things, or clowns that wear funny hats, this annual engagement is a treat not to be missed.

Oh, and for anyone who's saying "I can't go, I'm afraid of clowns," you're a fucking liar. Clown fear is something kids make up to feel special and then insist on carrying with them into adulthood. The only clowns you should be afraid of are the ones that are actually dwarves dressed as clown dolls that hide in your room waiting to kill you when the babysitter is there.

Jessie

Coolest Bear Ever: Part II

Some of you may remember this totally sweet bear. But this bear is pretty sweet too. I don't know much about this bear... Where it came from... What it's deal is... What he/she was doing at the time of this picture... What his/her hobbies are... What he/she would do if he/she won the lottery, etc. But I do know one thing: this bear is something to be jazzed about! Who knew bears had such long tongues? And had them waggle around like a Golden Retriever? Not me! Not me!
Joanna

Trendspot: Internet Dating

I'm not talking about meeting people on the internet. Pssh! That's yesterday's hat. New thing: meeting people on the internet, then meeting them in person, but still only talking to them via online channels. It's called Blove (Weblove). And happy couples all over the world are offering stories on blogger iMomus' website of dates spent in a coffee shop messaging one another side by side. Others still report extended blogging courtships where the couple communicated their love only through their blog posts.

Great news for people with embarrassing speaking voices or eye contact phobias! Besides, how many of us are better on paper than we are in person? (Yeah, obviously me). Say you pique someone's interest with your quick-witted blog posts and sly emoticons, enough so that they actually want to meet you in person. Inevitably Real You is going to be a huge disappointment after they've already met the best You, Web You. So why let your more attractive twin ruin your chances with what is rightfully yours?!

For the hopeless romantic: more Blove stories.
Even celebrities are doing it!

P.S. Spencer-spence, if you're out there somewhere...this was for you. It's all for you. (You know who you are).

Jessie

Baby Water Skis

Okay, and now...I've officially seen it all. I'm out. This baby is water skiing. With one hand. Life will never be good again after this. What man could compete?

This 22-month-old BABY has been water skiing daily around a Wisconsin Lake. It's in the Associated Press. And you expect me to be able to go back to work after seeing this? You expect me to hang out Friday night? And listen to your bullshit? This baby is WATER SKIING.

But yeah, sure, tell me about how you stuck it to him in that email. Fuck you. WATER SKIS.
Just shut up. I don't care. I honestly, truly could not care less about you at this point. There is a water skiing baby in Wisconsin who can water ski without falling, ever. Which is good, because

I don't know if you've heard, but BABIES CAN'T SWIM. This one, however, skis on water.
Have fun with your shitty life.

Jessie

Soon, Mars will be ours!!

I just got a sensational email! It said... The Red Planet is about to be Spectacular!!! Can you wait??? I can't! Apparently Earth and Mars are about to be closer together than they ever have in recorded history. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I have absolutely no ability to comprehend anything in the least bit "science-y", but this does sound pretty rad. The next time something like this may happen would be 2287 at the earliest. Okay, you know what? I am so unable to rephrase anything technical or science-y or anything that I'm just going to start cutting and pasting this email text:

Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again. The encounter will culminate on August 27th whenMars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification... Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m. By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30a.m. That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month. Share this with your children and grandchildren. NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN

And I must say, I'm really glad I copied and pasted because one of my favorite things about these email forwards is the way people get really excited about the use of different fonts, colors and sizes. And I'm glad I could convey the author's excitement about the approach of the red planet by sharing his exuberance via his font choices.

So, in conclusion...
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay SPACE!
Joanna